Key Concepts

What's Your Parenting Style?

A lot of college students I teach are interested in Parenting Styles.  Some want to know what it was that helped their parents do a good job -- others want to avoid doing anything like their parents did.  Every semester I read at least one research paper about parenting styles.

Diana Baumrind conducted the early research regarding parenting styles and her findings have been replicated fairly consistently.  Here's some of what she and subsequent researchers have found:

Parenting success seems to rely on focussing in two areas -- Warmth and Discipline.  Parents who are high in both of these areas tend to raise the most well-adjusted children.

Parents who are mainly focussed on Discipline (and are low in warmth) tend to focus on discipline and self-control to insure children's behavior. They tend to have children who are successful in school and who seem to avoid high risk behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids rank lower in happiness and self-confidence and they tend to react poorly to frustration.  

Parents who are mainly focussed on Warmth with little discipline or structure (often fearing that they will limit a child's potential) tend to raise children who think well of themselves and are confident even past a realistic assesssment of their abilities.  These are kids who are not able to regulate emotions and, as a result, don't tend develop good peer relationships.  These children also don't tend to persist in difficult tasks and do not respond well to authority in the school or work setting.

Parents who regulate their parenting relationships with a balance of Warmth and Discipline tend to raise children who are more self-confident, develop strong peer relationships, and regulate emotions well.  These kids tend to be able to tolerate frustration and report consistently higher levels of happiness.  They experience success because they receive appropriate assistance and structure throughout their development.  These parents engage in interactive relationships.  They negotiate rules as kids demonstrate more responsibility and include their children in discussions to better understand the topics and issues of the lives the kids face. This helps their children be better prepared to negotiate the things that life throws their way.

Needless to say, there is no magic formula, and certain categories of kids (inner-city urban youth in particular) respond better to other parenting styles.  Still, this information serves as a good overall guideline.

You can gain a sense of your own Parenting Styles as they relate to teenagers' behavior by clicking here. 

  

 

 

Death by Drinking

A friend I see about once a month was catching me up on what she and her family have been doing.  She started talking about high school parties -- the kind she hosts and the other kind.  She is feeling completely lost in a sea of parents who are not only allowing their kids to drink, but serving the alcohol.  "Two of the teenaged boys were telling me about a party and they said 'the mom could've been arrested, she was serving 14 and 15 year olds'".  She described neighbors who let kids drink as long as they stay on the property.  "Mom," her 16-year-old said to her, "they have a pool!  That's dangerous!"

My friend talked about how her friends say it's no big deal and suggest she's out of touch. They ask her what was she doing at that age, after all. I pointed out that we know so much more than our parents did about the short and long term risks for teens using alcohol.  Here are some more. . .

The CDC reports that "Forty-five hundred teenagers (12 / day) die each year in the United States from excessive alcohol consumption."  They go on to say that alcohol is a contributor in the other major causes of teen death -- suicide, homicide and accidents.

One option is to make sure that you make the call.  "I hear you are having a party.  I hear you have a pool.  Do you let teens drink at parties at your house?  Does anyone check to reinforce no-drinking house rules?"

It's tough.  We lose social capital when we become the neighborhood naysayers. We risk becoming the gong that no one listens to.  

So I wonder, whose responsibility is it to let these parents who have a pool know that they are neither cool nor safe when they let teens drink "as long as they stay on the property?"

What Girls Don't Tell Us

Girls' & Self Image

Seven in ten girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school, and relationships with family members and friends.

75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities such as disordered eating, cutting, bullying, smoking or drinking when feeling badly about themselves.

57% of all girls have a mother who criticizes her own looks.  Research indicates that girls follow the patterns of their mothers.  If Mom is self-critical, her daughters learn to be, too.

Only 2% of all women in an international study believe themselves to be beautiful.

A research project commissioned by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty looked at girls' attitudes about themselves.  Check out the site and see what girls are saying.  Click the "films" on the site (very brief) and consider sharing the messages with someone you love.  I particularly like the one called "Amy."

The Dove Campaign has developed a variety of tools and projects for girls and women to re-imagine what feminine beauty is all about.  Find out what the girls you love think about themselves.  Find ways to help them know the beauty you see.  They don't need to be fixed, they need to find their own beauty and see themselves as you see them.

One more site.  There's a new site coming up for parenting teen girls.  Check it out.  If it's not up yet, it will be soon.  Let me know what you think of it.  

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The Younger They Start . . .

A recent issue of the journal Pediatrics reinforced research we have seen before.  In a review of interviews and re-interviews of almost 40,000 people the evidence powerfully suggests several things.

"The younger respondents were when they started drinking, the greater the likelihood that, (in the intervening 2-3 years) between the 2 surveys, they 

• experienced alcohol dependence/abuse, 
• drank 5 drinks per occasion at least weekly
• drove under the influence of alcohol, 
• and placed themselves in situations after drinking where they could be hurt."   

  

Previous research published in JAMA has also suggested that those who begin drinking under the age of 21  "were significantly more likely to have been injured while under the influence of alcohol."

Drinking and driving are not the only risks for younger people.  It's not safe to keep teens home and drinking in the basement after collecting the keys.  Reminding about "Designated Drivers" does not protect them from potentially serious injury.

Make sure that parents you know are aware of the risks.  At baseball and soccer games, at school plays and PTA meetings, at recitals and beside the swimming pool, remind your friends that there's no good reason to believe that "kids will be kids" and that high school drinking is "not so bad."

The more parents know this, the more our kids will be reinforced in our messages.

 

Does it go without saying? -- Part 2 How to Say It.

After the class where my student shared the information about her rape (click here) I came home and I had a rare face-to-face conversation with my 13-year-old son.  With his father sitting nearby, I was very serious as I told him about this tragic story, and I said to him, "I know it probably goes without saying, but I want you to know and understand that we are here for you and there is nothing you can do that changes how your dad and I feel about you.  We will always love you and we are here to help and support you, no matter what happens."  

"You're right," he said, a little uncomfortable, "it goes without saying."

I don't believe what he said, although I know he thinks he believes it.  The kids we talk to take unimaginable risks with no idea what the consequences will be.  When serious consequences happen, they are often afraid to tell parents for fear of parents' disappointment and/or the consequences.

So how do we tell them that we are both the parent supporter and and the parent enforcer?

• Use stories to make your point. 
• Model the compassion that you will show in the future, if something bad comes up. 
• Remind your kids of your role.  You are the parent(s), the only ones they have. If you act as their friend, you sometimes won't tell them the truth, for fear that they might not like you.  As their parent, you will act with their best interest at heart. 
• Share the dilemma that you experience.  --  
  •  "I want to support you, but I can't say that if you break our rules, there will be no consequences.  I can tell you that the consequences are greater when one bad decision is followed by others. Lying or keeping secrets can have effects you will never imagine.  Talk to us/me if anything happens that hurts you or others. We'll help you figure out your next steps."  
• Repeat as needed.

At some point later (but don't wait too long) you can talk about the rules and the consequences.  That's not a conversation to have now.  

Does it go without saying? -- Part 1

One of my students was raped at age 15 after drinking too much.  Her story is a cautionary tale.  She was going out with a boy she was wanting to impress.  He took her to a party and she tried to keep up with his drinking.  After he passed out, the host took advantage and raped her in another room.  She kept this secret to herself for many years.  Her first admission came much later, and her parents still don't know.  

You can guess why her parents don't know.  Most often, our teens fear our reactions when they have something serious to tell us.  If it is as a result of an unwise choice on their part, they fear a black and white response. (After all, this is how they most often judge one another.) They are afraid of our disappointment, or our outrage.  It is difficult for teens to imagine that we would have a compassionate response when, in fact, our greatest fear may have come true.  They fear our "I told you so!" remark or facial reaction.  They feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Have you told your children that even if things go wrong, you love and support them? Are you sure you have said this specifically, or do you think that, of course they know this.  Is there anything that will change your love for your child?  Tell the truth!  Our kids need us to be explicit. This is a perfect topic for a short drive or an after-dinner talk.  It has to come without a lecture, and it probably has to be repeated about once a year.  (You know how quickly they forget!)

More about how to talk about this in an upcoming blog. 

By the way.  Beach Week is coming up for some of your high school students.  If your child is already going, contact me, we have a booklet that includes planning information.  For more information about talking about Beach Week click here.  

Don't Help!!

Okay, it sounds counterintuitive, but often when our kids are talking about their problems they are not seeking solutions.  Just like many of us, "troubles talk" may be just a way of trying to sort out the problem, not asking for help.  In fact one of the best ways to get teenagers to shut down is to start trying to solve their problems.  

It's a classic scenario, your teenager starts to open up, you try to help by offering solutions.  The next thing that happens startles everyone -- "Did I ask for your help?"  "You just don't understand!"  your child storms off, and now you feel misunderstood.  Suddenly what had the potential to bring you closer has left you both with hurt feelings.

So what is really going on?  Lots of times when teenagers talk to us about their problems, they want to be understood.  At the same time, they want their new found autonomy to be respected.  Sometimes they are wanting a  sounding board, and a safe place to try to figure things out.

How can you tell when they want to talk and when they want a solution?  You can't always, but there are some ways to try to find out.

First -- Express empathy.  Let them know that you understand how they feel.  "That Stinks!"  "Yuck!" or "Ouch!" (or your own version) can indicate that you know how they feel.

Next-- Let them keep talking.  Don't jump in with ideas or thoughts about the situation.  You can encourage more conversation with "What happened next?" or "What did you think then?"

After that -- If they start doing it, let them talk out possible solutions and encourage them to consider the options of each thing they mention.  You can encourage them to think out loud about what the consequences of different choices might be.

Finally -- If the conversation offers the opportunity you may want to say something like "I'm not sure what would best help you -- would you like some suggestions, or is it best if I keep listening?"  When they have the choice, they may want to hear what you think.

For more information about supporting teenagers during stressful times click here.

 

 

Science Says

Two recent studies have looked at the impact of binge drinking on Teens' brains.

One finds that, in fact, the white matter of the brain is damaged in teens who binge drink

http://www.jointogether.org/news/research/summaries/2008/binge-drinking-damages-white.html

In the other study, researchers have discovered that Teens who binge drink can have lingering memory problems even three days after drinking.

http://www.jointogether.org/news/research/summaries/2008/researchers-find-lingering-mem.html

Remember that for Teens "Social Drinking" is what we call "Binge Drinking".  Teens don't sit around and sip wine with their friends.  They consistently report that when they drink, the intent is to get drunk.

Talk to your Teens about how the kids they know drink.  Let them know why you want them to postpone using alcohol until their brains are more fully developed.  Remind them that the risks of drinking to get drunk (they don't call it binge drinking) are significant.  Ask them what they and their friends perceive as the benefits.  See if you can respond to their beliefs.

Speaking of Sex

I recently spoke with parents in Arlington, VA about strategies for Talking to Teens About Touchy Topics.  Because of my own work, there was more focus on alcohol and drugs.  But lots of parents want to know how to talk to their kids about sex, and I didn't focus as much on that as I could have.

Talking about sex can be tough.  It is important that our kids know our own thoughts and feelings about sex.  As they reach adolescence we can't always wait for them to ask questions like they did when they were kids.  We need to look for teachable moments that present themselves.  Stories in the media are good opportunities to talk about this.  Local stories or family talk can launch these conversations.

One thing I encourage parents not to say is "Wait until you are in love".  Really?  Have you ever met anyone more in love than a 16 year old, unless of course it's a 14 year old.  Talking to kids about sex requires knowing what you want to say, and saying it, even when it's uncomfortable.  It includes talking about the responsibilities of sex as well as the anatomy.  It includes telling them what we want them to think about, despite what some of our own teen experiences might have been.

Remember that alcohol and sex are often tied together, for kids as well as adults.  Girls tell us that they use alcohol to do things they wouldn't do when they are sober.  Boys tell us they support one another in the use of alcohol to get girls to be sexually available to them.  Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by the age of 16 are intoxicated at the time and half later regret their action*.

 

Karen Rayne, a sex educator in Texas, has a great blog site, Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne.  Read what she has to say to help you form your own ideas, and prepare for the multiple talks you will have with your teen.

*Stashwick, C. (2000).  Teens trying drugs and alcohol. Contemporary Pediatrics 17(4), 45 

Several Tid-Bits

I've added a page related to Inhalants.  This information is appropriate for all, particularly important to Middle School Parents.  This is something every parent of teens should know about.  The information is from the Virginia Inhalant Abuse Prevention Coalition.

I'm adding a page titled "Where's Kate?" that will list the sites and topics where I will be speaking.  I have several different presentations for parents and teachers coming up in the Washington, DC area, and I thought I'd let readers know, if you are interested in a live discussion.

Jay Mathews from the Washington Post started an on-line chat about college drinking that some families with older teens may be interested in.  The UVA program that he mentions is in Arlington on March 30th.  If you are interested in more information, feel free to contact me.  To see what others are saying about college drinking and to see a few useful links click here.

On that note, parents and teens are starting college visits and HS seniors are making decisions about which colleges they will attend. One of the reasons parents give when allowing their high school students to drink is that this will help dissuade them from risky drinking behaviors in college.  The research doesn't support this.  See what motivates college drinking in this fact sheet related to college drinking.