Key Concepts

Talking About -- Michael Phelps

Talk about "Teachable Moments."  A London newspaper recently published a picture of Michael Phelps (Olympic gold medal swimmer) taking a hit off of a bong.  He made a tacit acknowledgment that it is, indeed, him in the picture.

Newspaper columnists have taken all sorts of different positions on this issue.  Some, like Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post, pointed out the precariousness of the life of an elite athlete, while poking baby boomer fun and the idea that a 23 y.o. smoking pot should be such a big deal.  Michael Wilbon of the Post and ESPN strongly disagrees with Jenkins' assumptions and futher makes the point that if you are going accept $100 Million to be a role model, you better be a good role model.

ESPN is definitely talking about it and that's what my teenager is seeing and hearing.  The debate about whether or not smoking pot recreationally after intense training for the Olympics should be an issue is at the heart of the discussions.  "I'm not condoning it," many commentators have said, "but . . ."  These are the kinds of things my sports fan kids are hearing.

Teens in classrooms around the country are asking -- "What's the big deal -- everyone does it?"

So how do we talk about it?

Actually Michael Phelps, has had some of the most useful commentary, although he is doing it through press releases and short interviews.  Michael Phelps is acknowledging the real embarrassment that he caused himself and his family.  Phelps' mother is a middle school principal.  This young man who felt his mother's support can't help but feel her embarrassment.

These are the things we can bring to the table.  We don't need to debate whether it is any big deal that he smoked pot, it can make us seem out of touch.  What we want to talk about is the fact that there are real consequences for decisions that not only break the law, but reduce him in terms of his reputation.  Phelps has let people down.  People who believed in him, people who trusted him now realize that he is not the man he wanted them to believe he was.  His mother must now face the students at her school, while explaining that she wants them to never try drugs.

So we ask our kids -- 

"What are the risks if you are using marijuana and get caught?  

Is it worth losing the trust of your parents?  

Is it worth the price of a lawyer?  

Is it worth the risks associated with your future and college?"  

Feel free to share your own feelings about Michael Phelps or even your own struggles about why this is an issue.  For me, I'm disappointed in Michael Phelps and he is not my son.  I can only imagine how I would feel if he was.  Still I have mixed feelings about criminalizing marijuana, and that doesn't mean I'm not fully aware of the risks.  

There are medical risks.  Marijuana is now genetically engineered so that its THC content is stronger than it was in the 70's and 80's.  We know now that marijuana inhibits both short and long term memory.  Marijuana abuse is the number one cause for drug treatment for teens in this country. 

We can talk about medical risks, but teens respond better to reputation and relationship discussions.  Don't spend a lot of time hammering home points.  Listen to what your teen has to say, and share your thoughts.  Get smart by reading up a little if you don't know enough.

When we talk about these things, while still stating our clear expectations that teens should not use, our children see that we are aware of their own internal struggles.  We support kids when we insist on consequences.  It gives them protection from outside forces.

Make sure that your "Teachable Moment" is respectful, but take advantage of it short and sweet.  At the dinner table, driving to practice, while cleaning the kitchen.  Don't let the opportunity pass.

Shock and Awe

At a school recently I met with a class of 9th graders who heard my lecture about postponing using alcohol.  When we got into small discussions, some of these kids, both boys and girls, were shocked when they realized that I was suggesting that they postpone using alcohol throughout high school.  They seemed stunned to believe that this was a realistic consideration, and, quite frankly, felt that I was completely out of touch for suggesting it.  Apparently they thought I meant only 9th and possibly 10th grade.

Part of the reason these kids were surprised is that their own parents are telling them that since they know that all teens drink, they want their kids to do it responsibly.  That is if their parents are talking about this at all.

Our own kids may have some of these same misconceptions.  If we don't talk to them regularly, they likely think that what we said last year, we meant for last year.  This is why it is important to keep the dialogue open and frequent.  A year ago was a different age for teens.  There is a big difference between 15 and 16 to them, and to us.  

 

New Year's Resolution

This year, consider making a New Year's resolution that you will talk to your tweens and teens about important things on a weekly basis.  Let them know how much you love them some weeks, and what you worry about on others.  Ask them about their friendships or talk to them about high risk behavior regularly.  Let them know why you want them to avoid the things that you know will hurt them.  Address things that concern you about what you see happening with them or to them.  Even when they think they know what you are going to say, they know that they need to hear it from you more than once.

These conversations are not lectures, although sometimes they will be one-way.  Remember that you've had time to plan this conversation, they haven't.  When you mention something, expect that it will be brought back up later.  Remember that these conversations go the best when they are side-by-side, not face-to-face.  

Resolve that you want your kids to know what you think.  They need your wisdom, even if they don't think they want it.  They are developmentally designed to roll their eyes at what you say (figuratively or literally.)  Make a joke about it, or ask them to wait until they turn around to do it, but let them know that you think their lives are important, what they think is important, and making good decisions is important.  You love them enough to expect it from them.

Most of all, though, resolve that when they talk, you will listen.

For some quick tips check out 7 Tips on this website.  For an in depth discussion with some great ideas, check out Staying Connected to Your Teen by Michael Riera.

Happy New Year!

A Holiday Break???

It just goes to show, even when everyone else is on holiday, a parent rarely gets a break.  Here's to all the Moms and Dads out there who keep doing their jobs, even when no one seems to appreciate it.  

The Mom's Song

Take a deep breath, have a good laugh, even if you have already seen this, and remember you are not alone.  We are all trying to accomplish the same task --  Raising healthy, loving, and loved adults who are admired and respected for who they are.

Our Heads -- Their Shoulders

A group of parents were gathered in a coffee shop planning future programs for their schools.  These folks are part of a group trying to help keep parents engaged in the process of parenting their teens.  Lots of lively ideas were being shared.  Head shaking occurred when someone would bring up another hair-brained escapade of a local teen.  "It's like," one mom said, "we expect them to have our heads on their shoulders."

Teens don't have our heads on their shoulders.  In fact, they have these brains that are still working on fully developing the pre-frontal cortex which houses judgement and decision making.  Research is telling us that they won't be done with that task until they are around 25.  So they do foolish things and we shake our heads, sometimes get mad, and often inquire "What were You thinking?"  (By the way, when they say "I don't know!"  they are telling the truth.)

I spoke with a mom at a middle school PTA meeting recently.  She was regretting the loss of an open, lively relationship with her almost-teen daughter.  Her daughter was convinced that Mom could no longer understand the lives of her friends.  As we spoke I watched this mom develop her own understanding of what happens when we express shock at the newest thing happening among teen friends.  But more, what she realized is that she needs to share, in a calm way, her concerns about her daughter's new found freedom. Her daughter doesn't have the benefit of the years of experience that Mom does.  Her daughter doesn't understand why Mom is sometimes fearful of teenaged independence.  As we parted Mom was talking about the ways she might share her own memories of boys and girls and middle school.  She spoke of talking more about what she is thinking so that she and her daughter have an understanding of what would make these next steps easier for both of them.  

In some ways Mom was starting to put her head on her daughter's shoulders.

Calling All Parents

I make my sons crazy because I am the parent who calls.  As much as they would like me to trust them and their friends, it's their parents, I tell them, that I need to trust.

I am the parent who calls.  I call parents when my kids are invited to their friends' homes.  I make sure that there will be parents around, and hopefully supervising what is going on.  I would love to be able to say that I am one of the parents who calls, but my sons believe that I am the only one who calls.

I have some standard questions about what is going on.  The conversation looks something like this.

"Hi, I hear the kids are planning on getting together. . .  Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that you are expecting my rapscallion. . .  Do you know what they are planning?. . .   Do you have an idea when I should pick him up? . . .  What should he bring?"  If it's a party planned, I sometimes ask if the hosts need any help with chaperones.

Now that the kids are more independent, it's not unusual for them to make a plan and for me to be going right along with it.  Suddenly I realize that I have not confirmed the plans with parents I have known for years.  I'm trying to stop doing that.  I want to connect with the people who are taking responsibility for my sons.  I want to make sure that they have heard the same plans that I have.  I want to make sure that an adult knows where my kids are.

It's a pain to be the parent who calls.  If you're uncomfortable being the only parent who calls, set up a team.  You'll call on Monday, someone else calls on Tuesday, and a third parent calls on Wednesday.  Or let it be 6 p.m., 6:40, and 7:30.  Parents who are asked if they are paying attention are often more likely to pay attention then when we just drop off our kids.

Not a Bullet List -- Part 2

Last week I started to talk about how we actually talk to kids about postponing alcohol use, and waiting until their brains, bodies, and personalities are really ready to handle responsible drinking.  Here's the an expanded version of the second part of my e-mail to the mom I was corresponding with.

. . .

We don't talk about the legal issues for a variety of reasons.  First, teens have a hypocrisy meter that will catch us too often.  For example, I tend to drive the car too fast.  The kids see that, and will turn it around if we talk about the idea that drinking is illegal.  We run into it even with our own adult family members (aunts, uncles, and grandparents) who scoff at the legal issue. Also, if we behaved illegally ourselves in High School, the risk, no matter what we want to say, is looking hypocritical.  

In our programs we focus on the health risks, and explain parental indiscretion related to having little to no science about this in the 70's and 80's.  I sometimes talk about it with regard to my parents starting smoking before the Surgeon General's warning.  My parents wouldn't let me smoke because they knew the risks.  They let me drink because they didn't know the risks.

We talk about the risks of future addiction, we talk about the risks of not knowing how to be yourself, if you need alcohol to socialize.  We talk about the fact that most kids going to college keep the social patterns they established in High School.  We explain that knowing how to socialize without alcohol now, makes it easier to do that for the rest of their lives.

Another important point is that many kids actually do postpone using alcohol through high school.  The problem is that no one arrives at school on Monday morning and says  "Man, I stayed wickedly sober this weekend, and did I have a blast!!"  The stories are about the drinking, and it begins to feel like drinking is the only option for a social life.  Still, almost half of all high school students actually haven't been drinking in the last month (but when they do, it is rarely "responsibly.")  We need to encourage our kids to explore exciting options that don't include alcohol and to seek out friends who are interested in those adventures.

The European Way

Many of us would like to use the "European Model" for teaching our children to use alcohol safely and wisely.  We have an image (or overseas experience) that suggests that the Europeans, who allow teens to drink at younger ages, sit and enjoy a leisurely glass of wine while gathering with family or friends.  Unfortunately, the reality is very different.

In 2003 the Department of Justice published a comparison of youth drinking rates in Europe as compared to the US.  Specifically looking at the incidence of heavy drinking, US teens come in second to last in terms of prevalence of heavy drinking.  Only Turkey has lower rates of heavy drinking, and Turkey is a Muslim country (Islam bans drinking alcohol.)

Last year Germany  began considering raising their drinking age.  Now France is considering curbing binge drinking by raising their drinking age from 16 to 18.  You can hear a report on the BBC News show The World.

The Science is clear.  Teenaged drinking is dangerous, and introducing teens to drinking is more likely to lead to abuse.  Click on the links and see that Europe is starting to pay attention, too.

Not a Bullet List -- Part 1

Recently I had an e-mail exchange with a mom who had hosted a Living Room Chat for friends of hers interested in helping their younger teens negotiate healthy choices in adolescence.  I had heard through the grapevine that the chat had gone well.

"One of the things the parents wanted," this mom told me, "was a bullet list of points they can make to the kids regarding alcohol use: legal, emotional, social etc."

My response wasn't really a bullet list, but perhaps some useful points.  Here is an expanded discussion that I shared with her.

When we go into schools to talk to kids what they tell us they want are "true stories." There are many teen alcohol stories in the media, including deaths from drinking in the area.  We have plenty of personal stories in our own lives that we can also share.  Drinking and driving is only one aspect of the risks of teenaged drinking.  I talk about the risks of hooking up, and the risks of alcohol poisoning.  I talk about kids who have died because their friends let them sleep it off.  I talk about athletes who are unable to practice or play because of hangovers.  I talk about boys who are arrested for rape, and girls who feel raped after alcohol and sex.  I talk about how all kinds of accidents happen, even when you are not in a car.  We talk about adults we know who have not been as successful as they might have been because they are alcohol dependent -- a major risk associated with teenaged drinking.  Using any news stories, or just what you hear through the grapevine are good ways to start.

We don't talk about legal issues.  That doesn't mean we don't talk about arrests.  We talk about the party (mentioned in a previous blog) where 75 students were arrested.  We talk about the costs of lawyers and the loss of parents' trust.  We talk about having to report arrests on college and job applications.

Feel free to use the stories you read in this blog.  They are here to help make our point clearly. And the kids tell us, that it's what they remember.  If you need more reinforcement, check out this article in the Washington Post.

. . .  Next week  I'll explain why we resist the legal argument.  I'll talk more about how we talk to kids about the importance of postponing using alcohol.  

Not Ready

A mom called to talk about her son and an alcohol related incident at school.  We talked about what kinds of education/treatment considerations might be useful for her son.  This mom had an interesting thought that sounded like a good negotiation with her child.

"With this incident," she suggested "we're not sure he's ready to have a social life in college that isn't about alcohol."  They are seriously considering keeping him home for his first year of college.

Does this sound extreme?  It might for many of us, but sometimes irresponsible decisions like drinking are the ways in which our kids wave the red flag that they are not ready for the responsibilities that attending college away from home include.

As an instructor at a local university for the past 15 years, I have watched some students totally waste their parents' money through the first couple of years of college by drinking and socializing to the exclusion of schoolwork.   In one of my classes  I have three students, in their mid-twenties who are in an undergraduate class.  One of these bright, talented young women has explained that she wasted her first couple of years in school, and had to take time off until she was ready.  That's a very expensive way to learn a lesson.

So consider, as you are talking to your child calmly about making healthy choices, mentioning that one consequence of risky choices might include staying home for the first year or two of college, until you are sure that your student is ready to make independent choices.