Key Concepts

Death by Drinking

A friend I see about once a month was catching me up on what she and her family have been doing.  She started talking about high school parties -- the kind she hosts and the other kind.  She is feeling completely lost in a sea of parents who are not only allowing their kids to drink, but serving the alcohol.  "Two of the teenaged boys were telling me about a party and they said 'the mom could've been arrested, she was serving 14 and 15 year olds'".  She described neighbors who let kids drink as long as they stay on the property.  "Mom," her 16-year-old said to her, "they have a pool!  That's dangerous!"

My friend talked about how her friends say it's no big deal and suggest she's out of touch. They ask her what was she doing at that age, after all. I pointed out that we know so much more than our parents did about the short and long term risks for teens using alcohol.  Here are some more. . .

The CDC reports that "Forty-five hundred teenagers (12 / day) die each year in the United States from excessive alcohol consumption."  They go on to say that alcohol is a contributor in the other major causes of teen death -- suicide, homicide and accidents.

One option is to make sure that you make the call.  "I hear you are having a party.  I hear you have a pool.  Do you let teens drink at parties at your house?  Does anyone check to reinforce no-drinking house rules?"

It's tough.  We lose social capital when we become the neighborhood naysayers. We risk becoming the gong that no one listens to.  

So I wonder, whose responsibility is it to let these parents who have a pool know that they are neither cool nor safe when they let teens drink "as long as they stay on the property?"

Calling All Parents

I make my sons crazy because I am the parent who calls.  As much as they would like me to trust them and their friends, it's their parents, I tell them, that I need to trust.

I am the parent who calls.  I call parents when my kids are invited to their friends' homes.  I make sure that there will be parents around, and hopefully supervising what is going on.  I would love to be able to say that I am one of the parents who calls, but my sons believe that I am the only one who calls.

I have some standard questions about what is going on.  The conversation looks something like this.

"Hi, I hear the kids are planning on getting together. . .  Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that you are expecting my rapscallion. . .  Do you know what they are planning?. . .   Do you have an idea when I should pick him up? . . .  What should he bring?"  If it's a party planned, I sometimes ask if the hosts need any help with chaperones.

Now that the kids are more independent, it's not unusual for them to make a plan and for me to be going right along with it.  Suddenly I realize that I have not confirmed the plans with parents I have known for years.  I'm trying to stop doing that.  I want to connect with the people who are taking responsibility for my sons.  I want to make sure that they have heard the same plans that I have.  I want to make sure that an adult knows where my kids are.

It's a pain to be the parent who calls.  If you're uncomfortable being the only parent who calls, set up a team.  You'll call on Monday, someone else calls on Tuesday, and a third parent calls on Wednesday.  Or let it be 6 p.m., 6:40, and 7:30.  Parents who are asked if they are paying attention are often more likely to pay attention then when we just drop off our kids.

Checks and Balances -- Home Alone

What do you do when your children are too old for a babysitter?  More specifically what do you do when the adults in your home are heading out for the weekend, but the kids are staying home? Are teenaged kids to be trusted?

This is a topic we discuss with kids in school frequently. What do you do when your parents go away? Who has responsibility for the home? What happens when others find out that you are home alone?

Consider this, not long ago parents left their 16 year old at home alone on Homecoming weekend. Not surprisingly, this became the place to go for students who wanted to drink, but couldn't do so legally. Estimates vary, but one report has the number of kids in the home somewhere over 20. Kids drank, went to the Homecoming dance and promptly got sick, or were otherwise identified by school officials as drunk. Consequences followed, including the school and judicial system.

When faced with the option of leaving town, parents need to consider the risks and possible outcomes of leaving. One friend of mine trusted her boys, put back ups in place, and fortunately nothing unfortunate happened. How do you help insure that your home won't become the H.S. party house your weekend away?

First, understand that teens interpret "No Parties" very differently than we do. Parties, to them, are huge, with people stumbling around. Parties, to us, usually mean more than two people, eating and drinking and having fun. Our kids are often unprepared for how to send away crashers, and when students find out that the parents are away, they make a bee-line to your home, the party house.

Second, make sure that you have a clear conversation with your teen(s). Be sure to elaborate what your expectations are when you are not in town. List what your rules are, and discuss directly the possible consequences of kids "stretching" the rules. Make sure that you talk about potential outcomes your teen might not predict, like someone with who is very popular trying to use the house. What are your teen's possible responses?

When you are faced with the option of leaving teens home for a weekend, consider some of the following options.

Option 1: Don't Leave Home

While this may feel like a restrictive option, for many kids, parents at home is the only guarantee that the party won't move to your house. In addition, the risks of accidents, in general, on the weekend are significant. You want to be able to get home quickly in case anything goes wrong.

Option 2: Have A Grown-up Stay

Invite Grandparents, older cousins, a local teacher, an adult from your faith community, someone you trust, to stay with the kids at the house. If your teens are uncomfortable with having a "babysitter" help them to understand that there are other ways to explain the presence of a grown up in the house. Ultimately, though, you should explain that the choice is for their safety.

Option 3: Have Teens Stay With A Friend's Family

Some families have this as a trade-off opportunity. You watch theirs and they'll watch yours. Understand that when you have kids staying at a friend's house, the risks are not resolved. Several years ago 75 arrests occurred at a high school party in a nearby town. The host was a 10th grader who told the family he was staying with that he was going out to a movie with friends. He went home and used his key to open the door to roughly 100 friends and hope-to-be friends. The seniors in his school took real advantage. His parents thought they had done the right thing, and yet the party was on them.

Option 4: Talk to your neighbors

Let your neighbors know that you're headed out-of-town. Tell them that you want them to call the police if anything looks amiss. If your teen is staying at the house, you want people keeping an eye out. If your teen needs help, s/he should know that there are people she can call. If people start arriving, instruct her to call the neighbors or the police. If s/he doesn't, and you find out, there will be consequences.

Curfew

The other day I ran into a friend of mine in the neighborhood.  As we were talking, her high school aged son (who I've known since he was seven) came up to her to let her know his evening plans.  We live in an "urban village" with a healthy night life walking distance from our homes.

The negotiation was perfect.  He was going to hang out -- Mom wants a call once they figure out what they are doing/where they are going.  He wants to stay out until 11:30, Mom comes back with 11.  Here's how the dialogue looked:

Him:   Hey, I'm going out, now (with arm around Mom's shoulder)

Mom:   Who's going?

Him:   (a few names, girls and boys)

Mom: What are you doing

Him:   Don't know, wandering around.

Mom:   I want you to call me when you decide and get there.

Him: (polite grumbling) OK.  What's my curfew?

Mom: What are you thinking about?

Him:   11:30

Mom:   11:00

Him:   Last time it was 12!

Mom:   When?

Him:   When we were at Joe's house.

Mom:   That's at somebody's house --  and I don't remember midnight.

Him: (grumbled resistance)

Mom: I'll talk to Dad, but I think 11:30 is too late.  You guys can come back to the house but I want you back by 11.

Him: (something that resembles understanding, if not agreement, a kiss and he meanders, not unhappily,  down the sidewalk)

Mom: Text or call or something!  (she turns to me)  Nothing good happens after 11.

Watching this was a nice glimpse into a good mother/son relationship.  Mom's right, the local coffee shops all close before 11.  People out on the streets after 11 have often been drinking, and the only places to hang out are places with bars (not that her son would have been served.)

But her son is a typical, well-liked, good-looking 15-year-old.  Of course he wants to push back against Mom's decision.  It's not about whether Mom's being reasonable.  It's the way that he finds out whether she can be counted on.  When he pushes back, is Mom going to get out of the way, or is she there to catch him when he is out to experiment with independence?

Of course he wants to stay out later, and, no, he doesn't realize why he's pushing back.  He just needs to do it.  And Mom shows that she's reliable, and the adult in the relationship, when she sets clear limits.

Does this mean that curfews should be non-negotiable?  Absolutely not.  Curfews are often negotiable, but that negotiation, the reasons, the process, and the outcome, are all critical parts of the ways we support kids as they navigate adolescence.  More on negotiating curfews in a future post.

How to Supervise Teens' Parties

At one of the schools I work with, a parent group put out a letter to all parents warning about teen parties.  The gist of the letter warned parents that unsupervised parties could result in legal liability for the parents as well as unexpected dangers for the teens. 

One of the signatories of the letter got a phone call the day the letter went out.  The calling parent was supposed to be hosting the Senior Skip Day party coming up soon.  The parents were at a loss. Their son had already presented his rules.  No parents were to come downstairs to the party room.  No other parents were to know of the location of the party.  The kids would do what they wanted and stay for as long as they wanted.  Parents were not to embarrass the teen in any way, and should probably just leave the house.

This parent asked for guidance about what to do.  Not surprisingly, the first suggestion was to cancel the party.

Navigating the world of teen parties is tricky.  Many of us want our children and their friends to feel comfortable in our homes.  We also know that these kids don't want any adults hanging around.  After being the authority to our kids for a long time, we find ourselves off balance with how much to project ourselves into their lives.  Still we want to do the right thing.

Here are some tips:

• Discuss the party well in advance with the party's host(s) -- your child (and possibly friends.)  

Explain the elements of successful parties -- food, music, fun things to do, and comfortable surroundings.

Offer to help with the preparation of whatever you each agree to, but hold the hosts responsible for whatever it is that they can contribute (pre-party cleaning, decorations, cooking, shopping, clean-up etc.) 

Discuss ways in which you will be able to actively supervise without being intrusive.

Remind the hosts of the rules, and remind them that they will have to address anything that does not go according to plan.  If they don't, you will.

Limit the number of guests.  Open parties open you up to too much legal liability, and a higher likelihood that the police will be called.

Set a start and end time for the party and send out invitations.  (E-vite is just fine.)   

Consider  what you and your kids will do about crashers

• On the day of the party  

Set up the party space with comfortable lighting.  Overhead florescents will surely be turned off almost as soon as the party starts.  Outfit all of the corners with lamps that you have available.  Use lower wattage bulbs, or dim to cozy levels.

Use small bowls for snacks.  Set up chilled drinks in the kitchen, where you are more likely to be hanging out.  If you have a refrigerator in or near the party room, keep small amounts down there and refresh with chilled drinks you have in the kitchen. You are looking for opportunities to go downstairs with a legitimate purpose.

Set up a drop off space for pocketbooks, backpacks, and coats.  Those items should be on the same floor where you are and kids should have to pass you in order to get to them.  Don't let bags go to the party room.  If you do, it won't take long for your soft drinks to become mixers.

Invite other parents to join you in a separate part of the house for a quiet gathering.  Trade off who will pop into the party room, and do so at unequal intervals.  Kids are quick at figuring out the routine.

Bring any of your concerns to the attention of the hosts.  Ascertain whether action needs to be taken, and give your kids first shot at how to handle it.  Step in when necessary.

Greet everyone at the door, and say good-bye to them when they leave.  This will feel weird to some of the kids, but it is important that teens not get the sense of invisibility to adults.  We acknowledge their presence in our lives, as we want them to acknowledge ours in theirs.

For More Tips click here

Remember there are no guarantees that nothing illegal will be happening during the party.  But it goes a long way toward acting responsibly and encouraging your children to do the same.

 

Unsupervised Parties

Teens want to have a good time. Parents want teens to have a good time. Teens want parents out of the picture. Does this make for a good time? Unsupervised parties for teens put kids at risk for a whole host of problems. 

Risk 1 -- Alcohol 

While a well supervised party does not guarantee that no alcohol will be served, active adult supervision makes it much less likely. Teens determined to drink at parties will have to do so discreetly. They will be unable to act out, and they are less likely to stay at parties where alcohol is not the focus. Teens don't drink for the flavor. They consistently report that they drink to get drunk. They underestimate the risks related to drunkenness. Vomiting, blacking out, and passing out are all symptoms of alcohol poisoning. Teens believe that because alcohol is legal to adults, that it can't be all that bad. Parents and teens both need to understand that overdosing on alcohol can lead to injury and death. 

Risk 2 -- Injury 

Teens' brains are naturally wired to seek out novel situations. (More on this in a future post.) When there is no adult supervision, teens tend to take on risks without anticipating the consequences. They do this even when there is adult supervision. Teens creativity is boundless, as is their ability to figure out the most unusual stunt to try out. Unfortunately, when adults are not around, teens will push the envelope in ways that can be life threatening. Alcohol increases this risk substantially. 

Risk 3 -- Sex 

Mix teenager hormones, alcohol, and no adult supervision and it surprises no one that unplanned sex follows closely. Here are some of the concerns. Boys uniformly report that using alcohol to get a girl to have sex is a good strategy. Boys and girls in our groups tend to believe that if a girl is drunk or high, she gives up her rights to withhold her consent to sex. In a national study 39% of high school boys said forcing sex is acceptable if the girl is stoned or drunk (1999 – Office of the Inspector General, DHHS.) Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by age 16 are intoxicated at the time. Unsupervised parties are much more likely to have teens having unplanned and unprotected sex than parties where parents are actively supervising. 

Risk 4 -- Arrests 

Unsupervised parties are much more likely to get out of hand. They overflow with noise and "guests". Neighbors don't tend to tolerate this very easily. Instead of knocking on the door and asking teens to turn it down, they use police to break up the activities. Police assess the activities and make decisions about arrests. Once a teen is arrested, lawyers must be hired. No matter what the outcome, job applications and some college applications ask about arrests, not convictions.

Risk 5 -- Inhalants and Drugs 

Teens trust grown-ups. It may not look like that in our day-to-day, but fundamentally, they believe we would not allow things in our house that are dangerous to them. They watch us play with them using helium to make Mickey Mouse voices. They can't imagine risks related to sniffing aerosols and other household items. They don't think twice about chugging cough medicine. They don't understand that sniffing and chugging can have some life threatening consequences. It's a quick, easy high, and kids are tempted when they haven't been taught otherwise. Other drugs, legal and illegal are easily shared at unsupervised parties. If you haven't learned about ecstasy and other newer drugs, get smart about these at theantidrug.com.

What's A Parent To Do? Talk to your kids about your rules about unsupervised parties. Create a community of communication around the parents of your kids' friends. You don't have to be the only one calling to confirm that parties are being supervised, you just might organize the calls. But don't let being the only one stop you. College students report that this kind of parental "interference" is ultimately (not necessarily immediately) viewed as a loving act. 

Don't bend on this. Offer your home as a place for teens to congregate if the "only option" is to attend an unsupervised party. Establish consequences if you learn after the fact that your child has attended such a party. Kids who know what the consequences are make their decisions based on the risks. They know if their parents won't do anything, and make their choices accordingly. If they know that the risk is substantial if you find out, they are more likely to make other plans. Here's to Involved Parents!

Tips for Supervising Parties

Beach Week

Beach Week is a time at the end of the school year when high school students want to get away from all of the pressures of finals, grades and graduation commitments. More often than not, this is an unchaperoned event. For some it is the last chance to be with friends before everyone heads in many different directions. For others it is the opportunity to act anonymously using alcohol, drugs, and sex to celebrate the end of school.

One study looked at the behaviors of senior girls at beach week. The outcomes were compelling. Eighty-two percent of the girls who had sex during that week did so while they were drunk. Seventy-five percent of the girls reported daily drunkenness. Sixty-four percent reported that they drank eight or more beers/wine during a typical beach week party. Fifteen percent of respondents (9/59) stated that medical attention was necessary for themselves or a close friend because of injuries or medical problems while they were drunk or high during beach week.

Natalie Holloway was on a Beach Week vacation when she was abducted. Part of the appeal of Aruba is its 18 drinking age.

Another tragedy was the North Carolina college student beach house fire that killed seven. While we await the final report, many suspect that the victims had been drinking heavily and could not escape the fire after a night of partying.

There are a lot of considerations to think about when considering Beach Week.
-Is this a child who will take risks when not supervised?
-Is this a child who has modeled responsibility even when others have behaved irresponsibly?
-Do the activities of Beach Week coincide with your family values?
-Have the kids planning the trip considered the variety of high risk outcomes associated with Beach Week?

Check out some tips for talking to teens about Beach Week. Make sure you are comfortable and confident in your family's decision.