Key Concepts

Talking to Teens About Sex

One of the risks of teenaged drinking is that judgement related to sex and hooking up becomes impaired. Talking to your kids about sex from a very early age is a great idea. Research shows that when parents talk to kids about their own values, teens listen. Don't give up. Knowing the risks, and what you think makes teens think twice. Teens are ready to hear about risks. They love to hear stories about what can happen. Talk about friends you saw making unwise choices. "True stories" are told and re-told among teen groups. Kids remember what you tell them when you have a story.

The Washington Post On Balance blog offers two sets of tips to consider when talking to kids about sex. Look at the blog and then the first comment. These are great ideas. Remember, the only really wrong way to talk to teens is not to do it all.

blog.washingtonpost.com/onbalance

Unsupervised Parties

Teens want to have a good time. Parents want teens to have a good time. Teens want parents out of the picture. Does this make for a good time? Unsupervised parties for teens put kids at risk for a whole host of problems. 

Risk 1 -- Alcohol 

While a well supervised party does not guarantee that no alcohol will be served, active adult supervision makes it much less likely. Teens determined to drink at parties will have to do so discreetly. They will be unable to act out, and they are less likely to stay at parties where alcohol is not the focus. Teens don't drink for the flavor. They consistently report that they drink to get drunk. They underestimate the risks related to drunkenness. Vomiting, blacking out, and passing out are all symptoms of alcohol poisoning. Teens believe that because alcohol is legal to adults, that it can't be all that bad. Parents and teens both need to understand that overdosing on alcohol can lead to injury and death. 

Risk 2 -- Injury 

Teens' brains are naturally wired to seek out novel situations. (More on this in a future post.) When there is no adult supervision, teens tend to take on risks without anticipating the consequences. They do this even when there is adult supervision. Teens creativity is boundless, as is their ability to figure out the most unusual stunt to try out. Unfortunately, when adults are not around, teens will push the envelope in ways that can be life threatening. Alcohol increases this risk substantially. 

Risk 3 -- Sex 

Mix teenager hormones, alcohol, and no adult supervision and it surprises no one that unplanned sex follows closely. Here are some of the concerns. Boys uniformly report that using alcohol to get a girl to have sex is a good strategy. Boys and girls in our groups tend to believe that if a girl is drunk or high, she gives up her rights to withhold her consent to sex. In a national study 39% of high school boys said forcing sex is acceptable if the girl is stoned or drunk (1999 – Office of the Inspector General, DHHS.) Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by age 16 are intoxicated at the time. Unsupervised parties are much more likely to have teens having unplanned and unprotected sex than parties where parents are actively supervising. 

Risk 4 -- Arrests 

Unsupervised parties are much more likely to get out of hand. They overflow with noise and "guests". Neighbors don't tend to tolerate this very easily. Instead of knocking on the door and asking teens to turn it down, they use police to break up the activities. Police assess the activities and make decisions about arrests. Once a teen is arrested, lawyers must be hired. No matter what the outcome, job applications and some college applications ask about arrests, not convictions.

Risk 5 -- Inhalants and Drugs 

Teens trust grown-ups. It may not look like that in our day-to-day, but fundamentally, they believe we would not allow things in our house that are dangerous to them. They watch us play with them using helium to make Mickey Mouse voices. They can't imagine risks related to sniffing aerosols and other household items. They don't think twice about chugging cough medicine. They don't understand that sniffing and chugging can have some life threatening consequences. It's a quick, easy high, and kids are tempted when they haven't been taught otherwise. Other drugs, legal and illegal are easily shared at unsupervised parties. If you haven't learned about ecstasy and other newer drugs, get smart about these at theantidrug.com.

What's A Parent To Do? Talk to your kids about your rules about unsupervised parties. Create a community of communication around the parents of your kids' friends. You don't have to be the only one calling to confirm that parties are being supervised, you just might organize the calls. But don't let being the only one stop you. College students report that this kind of parental "interference" is ultimately (not necessarily immediately) viewed as a loving act. 

Don't bend on this. Offer your home as a place for teens to congregate if the "only option" is to attend an unsupervised party. Establish consequences if you learn after the fact that your child has attended such a party. Kids who know what the consequences are make their decisions based on the risks. They know if their parents won't do anything, and make their choices accordingly. If they know that the risk is substantial if you find out, they are more likely to make other plans. Here's to Involved Parents!

Tips for Supervising Parties

Beach Week

Beach Week is a time at the end of the school year when high school students want to get away from all of the pressures of finals, grades and graduation commitments. More often than not, this is an unchaperoned event. For some it is the last chance to be with friends before everyone heads in many different directions. For others it is the opportunity to act anonymously using alcohol, drugs, and sex to celebrate the end of school.

One study looked at the behaviors of senior girls at beach week. The outcomes were compelling. Eighty-two percent of the girls who had sex during that week did so while they were drunk. Seventy-five percent of the girls reported daily drunkenness. Sixty-four percent reported that they drank eight or more beers/wine during a typical beach week party. Fifteen percent of respondents (9/59) stated that medical attention was necessary for themselves or a close friend because of injuries or medical problems while they were drunk or high during beach week.

Natalie Holloway was on a Beach Week vacation when she was abducted. Part of the appeal of Aruba is its 18 drinking age.

Another tragedy was the North Carolina college student beach house fire that killed seven. While we await the final report, many suspect that the victims had been drinking heavily and could not escape the fire after a night of partying.

There are a lot of considerations to think about when considering Beach Week.
-Is this a child who will take risks when not supervised?
-Is this a child who has modeled responsibility even when others have behaved irresponsibly?
-Do the activities of Beach Week coincide with your family values?
-Have the kids planning the trip considered the variety of high risk outcomes associated with Beach Week?

Check out some tips for talking to teens about Beach Week. Make sure you are comfortable and confident in your family's decision.

Tips for Remaining Relevant Part 2

Ideas for Remaining Relevant to Teens Part 2

Teens tell us that they want their parents in their lives. Parents frequently mistake rebellion for a message to “leave me alone.” In fact teens will frequently use that phrase to push against us. It is important to know that teens are pushing, not to push us away, but to make sure that we are there. Many teens say that they want to know what their parents think about the challenges kids face today. Sharing our wisdom and experience is how we remain relevant in their lives.

There are several ways we can do this.

Reality Check –
Part 1 Recognize that it is not easy to be a teen. It wasn’t when we were young, and it’s only gotten worse with technology and media development. “Back in the old days” needs to be a joke in your family or classroom, and kids need to believe that we know that it is tough out there. It’s not as easy as “just say no”. The cyber world is daunting, and kids don’t know if they have the skills to negotiate everything that comes at them. They just won’t tell us that. In direct and indirect ways we need to tell them that we know that what they face is huge (and in adolescence all the more huge because the world naturally revolves around them). Never dismiss the importance of what is important to them. It is a sure way to become irrelevant in a teen’s world.

Part 2 Keep some perspective. You are the one who can see the big picture. There is no need to fight your teens’ battles or try to live in their world. They want us to be outside looking in, helping them gain perspective. We can remember out loud what it was like when we were teens, but share the lessons learned in rueful, not obnoxious ways. If their lives are vastly different (they are popular and you were not, or vice versa) acknowledge that and help them gain perspective from another vantage point. All the while honoring their experience.

Let them be -- themselves
Let them be themselves and not who you think they can or should be. All children have potential, and the opportunities that we are giving them are best left to them to explore. --- Said “It’s not important to know what you want to be when you are 18, only that you keep your options open.” Loving our teens means nurturing what makes them unique, not what makes them you, or what you wish you had had. I often hear parents talk about what they wish their parents had done for them. We believe that if only they had forced us to practice the piano we would be virtuosos today. We have to be careful that we are not trying to make our children into what we could have been with just the right encouragement. Our children can be encouraged and supported without living out our failed dreams.

Listen to others –
Our kids will try to hide their imperfections from us, from their friends, and from themselves. Others might provide information so we can guide our kids when they need it most. What do others have to say about our own children? Do they notice things that we don’t? Do they notice talents and skills as well as struggles and shortcomings? Do our friends know that we want to hear what we need to hear? What are other kids saying that might help us know our children better? This information becomes useful. If we are courageous and up to the task of parenting, we welcome all information, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Look at other ways to remain relevant to teens (Part 1).

Tips for Remaining Relevant Part 1

Ideas for Remaining Relevant to Teens Part 1

Teens tell us that they want their parents in their lives. Parents frequently mistake rebellion for a message to “leave me alone.” In fact teens will frequently use that phrase to push against us. It is important to know that teens are pushing, not to push us away, but to make sure that we are there. Many teens say that they want to know what their parents think about the challenges kids face today. Sharing our wisdom and experience is how we remain relevant in their lives.

There are several ways we can do this.

Availability –
We need to be available to teens on their terms, not on our own. That means that they will talk to us when they are ready, not when we want them to. It might mean adjusting our sleep schedule, it definitely means more hanging out. It means making opportunities for hanging out in the kitchen, in the car, in the wee hours sometimes. It means that we don’t expect kids to answer our questions when we ask them, that they will answer them when we are likely least expecting it. The answers will come in dribs and drabs, and often indirectly. We become mystery solvers in our children’s world. It means we mute the outside world when they start to talk, and we have these conversations side-by-side, not face-to-face. Dimly lit rooms over a piece of pie and a glass of milk are perfect places to bump into a teen who is ready to talk. For these few short years we need to never be too tired to listen.

Respect --
We tell our children that we earn respect by giving respect. Make sure that you live that lesson as well. We quickly become irrelevant in our teens’ lives when we are disrespectful, when we treat them like children, when we are condescending. Teens reject authority for authority’s sake, and call it hypocrisy. We have much more right to expect respect when we can say “I treat you with respect, I expect the same in return.” Our teens know and understand this.

Watch for more about Remaining Relevant to teens

Remaining Relevant

Many Boomer parents are often afraid of looking outdated to their teenagers. They are afraid that they will be dismissed by their kids. Many of us want to be the understanding parent who “gets” teens.