Ideas for Remaining Relevant to Teens Part 2
Teens tell us that they want their parents in their lives. Parents frequently mistake rebellion for a message to “leave me alone.” In fact teens will frequently use that phrase to push against us. It is important to know that teens are pushing, not to push us away, but to make sure that we are there. Many teens say that they want to know what their parents think about the challenges kids face today. Sharing our wisdom and experience is how we remain relevant in their lives.
There are several ways we can do this.
Reality Check –
Part 1 Recognize that it is not easy to be a teen. It wasn’t when we were young, and it’s only gotten worse with technology and media development. “Back in the old days” needs to be a joke in your family or classroom, and kids need to believe that we know that it is tough out there. It’s not as easy as “just say no”. The cyber world is daunting, and kids don’t know if they have the skills to negotiate everything that comes at them. They just won’t tell us that. In direct and indirect ways we need to tell them that we know that what they face is huge (and in adolescence all the more huge because the world naturally revolves around them). Never dismiss the importance of what is important to them. It is a sure way to become irrelevant in a teen’s world.
Part 2 Keep some perspective. You are the one who can see the big picture. There is no need to fight your teens’ battles or try to live in their world. They want us to be outside looking in, helping them gain perspective. We can remember out loud what it was like when we were teens, but share the lessons learned in rueful, not obnoxious ways. If their lives are vastly different (they are popular and you were not, or vice versa) acknowledge that and help them gain perspective from another vantage point. All the while honoring their experience.
Let them be -- themselves
Let them be themselves and not who you think they can or should be. All children have potential, and the opportunities that we are giving them are best left to them to explore. --- Said “It’s not important to know what you want to be when you are 18, only that you keep your options open.” Loving our teens means nurturing what makes them unique, not what makes them you, or what you wish you had had. I often hear parents talk about what they wish their parents had done for them. We believe that if only they had forced us to practice the piano we would be virtuosos today. We have to be careful that we are not trying to make our children into what we could have been with just the right encouragement. Our children can be encouraged and supported without living out our failed dreams.
Listen to others –
Our kids will try to hide their imperfections from us, from their friends, and from themselves. Others might provide information so we can guide our kids when they need it most. What do others have to say about our own children? Do they notice things that we don’t? Do they notice talents and skills as well as struggles and shortcomings? Do our friends know that we want to hear what we need to hear? What are other kids saying that might help us know our children better? This information becomes useful. If we are courageous and up to the task of parenting, we welcome all information, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
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