“Didn’t you ever . . .?” The dreaded question. Many of us have something in our past that we would rather leave in the past. When our kids were young they often delighted in stories about Mommy and Daddy when they were children. We tell them about the days before Internet and VCRs. We tell them funny stories about Grandma and Grandpa. But before too long, we wonder – can we tell our children the truth about who we were as teenagers?
A recent Washington Post Magazine cover story explored “Maternal Indiscretions.” Liza Mundy nicely discusses the dilemma that parents face when their past has the opportunity to catch up with them. Funny, interesting, and sometimes eyebrow raising anecdotes flavor the discussion of whether or not parents should be completely honest with their children about their own experiences during adolescence.
This topic comes up at dinner parties and parent education evenings. When I am talking to parents in workshops I explain that there really are two schools of thought -- tell the truth or don’t. But all of this is more nuanced than that. There are a few factors to consider when faced with this question. It’s better to have thought out what you want to share and to have discussed it with your parent partner before you have to respond to your teen. Too many parents will avoid talking to their children for fear of facing the questions. Others respond like a deer in the headlights, leaping as far and fast as they can in the other direction. So what is a parent to do? Here are a few things to consider:
1- Why is your child asking?
Some kids want to get permission to experiment with riskier behavior. If my parents did it, the thinking goes, than it really can’t be that bad. Others are wanting to find out whether or not their parents understand the challenges that they are facing. Could my mom actually know what it's like to be at a party where everyone drinks? Still others are looking for a hypocritical chink in their parent’s armor. You may know the answer without asking, but if you don’t, feel free to ask. One way to do this is the direct approach
“You know, I want to answer your question, but first, I guess I have to ask why you ask?” Often kids are hoping for an opportunity to open up about what they are thinking. Give them time to talk, while you take the time to think. Reassure them that you will respond as soon as you know what the question really is.
2- What is she ready to hear?
In the same way that “Where did I come from?” is a question that might mean anything from “Where was I born?” to “How did I get in and out of your stomach,” you need to think about what your child is ready to hear. Frequently younger teens aren’t experienced enough to understand the subtlety of a complete answer. Older teens can often learn from the mistakes of others and are interested to hear why your own experience informs your family rules today.
3- Can he handle the truth?
This can be about your child or about your relationship. Many parents believe that it is important to be good role models. We want our children to admire us. Our own past behavior does not always support that. Many parents believe that they should always be honest no matter what. The question you need to answer here is -- Can your child handle the idea that, as a teen, you weren’t as wise as you are now? Is there time and room in the conversation to explain what you have learned and why you want them to do it differently?
4- Are you uncomfortable with not being completely honest?
Not telling the truth is not always the same as lying. It’s a fine line to walk, but throughout their lives parents allow children to believe things that aren’t true. Santa Claus is one example, but even trying to lead kids away from a desired gift already purchased, or not sharing a grandparent's secret are ways we aren’t completely honest. If you choose to not tell the truth in order to protect your child (not yourself) it’s best to expect that at some point you will be telling the truth. At a time and place when your child is ready to hear it, and can understand, you commit yourself to telling the truth, as much as you can.
5- Can you and your partner commit to a consistent answer? Or at least only answer for yourself?
Not only did my husband and I have different experiences in adolescence, we have different approaches to our children now. We are committed to answer our children’s questions in ways that are best for them and not necessarily best for us. In that way, we need to protect one another’s information, and only answer for ourselves. It allows children the opportunity to hear the messages that are most important to the relationship we establish with them individually.
6- Do you have anything to tell?
Of course, not all of us had "exciting", thrill seeking teenaged lives. Plenty of us studied and joined clubs, and behaved in ways that might have felt downright goody-goody. That doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate the opportunities that present themselves to your teen. Avoid being preachy and extolling your own virtues. Be prepared with observations you had about the decisions you made to abstain, refrain, or postpone risky behaviors. Use stories of friends or family to illustrate the risks you are aware of.
Knowing what you are going to say, or at least having an idea of what you want to share, leaves you ready when the questions get asked. By avoiding being evasive, because you are prepared, your children feel the safety of reaching out to you and knowing you will respond with their best interests at heart.