At one of the schools I work with, a parent group put out a letter to all parents warning about teen parties. The gist of the letter warned parents that unsupervised parties could result in legal liability for the parents as well as unexpected dangers for the teens.
One of the signatories of the letter got a phone call the day the letter went out. The calling parent was supposed to be hosting the Senior Skip Day party coming up soon. The parents were at a loss. Their son had already presented his rules. No parents were to come downstairs to the party room. No other parents were to know of the location of the party. The kids would do what they wanted and stay for as long as they wanted. Parents were not to embarrass the teen in any way, and should probably just leave the house.
This parent asked for guidance about what to do. Not surprisingly, the first suggestion was to cancel the party.
Navigating the world of teen parties is tricky. Many of us want our children and their friends to feel comfortable in our homes. We also know that these kids don't want any adults hanging around. After being the authority to our kids for a long time, we find ourselves off balance with how much to project ourselves into their lives. Still we want to do the right thing.
Here are some tips:
- Discuss the party well in advance with the party's host(s) -- your child (and possibly friends.)
- Explain the elements of successful parties -- food, music, fun things to do, and comfortable surroundings.
- Offer to help with the preparation of whatever you each agree to, but hold the hosts responsible for whatever it is that they can contribute (pre-party cleaning, decorations, cooking, shopping, clean-up etc.)
- Discuss ways in which you will be able to actively supervise without being intrusive.
- Remind the hosts of the rules, and remind them that they will have to address anything that does not go according to plan. If they don't, you will.
- Limit the number of guests. Open parties open you up to too much legal liability, and a higher likelihood that the police will be called.
- Set a start and end time for the party and send out invitations. (E-vite is just fine.)
- Consider what you and your kids will do about crashers
- On the day of the party
- Set up the party space with comfortable lighting. Overhead florescents will surely be turned off almost as soon as the party starts. Outfit all of the corners with lamps that you have available. Use lower wattage bulbs, or dim to cozy levels.
- Use small bowls for snacks. Set up chilled drinks in the kitchen, where you are more likely to be hanging out. If you have a refrigerator in or near the party room, keep small amounts down there and refresh with chilled drinks you have in the kitchen. You are looking for opportunities to go downstairs with a legitimate purpose.
- Set up a drop off space for pocketbooks, backpacks, and coats. Those items should be on the same floor where you are and kids should have to pass you in order to get to them. Don't let bags go to the party room. If you do, it won't take long for your soft drinks to become mixers.
- Invite other parents to join you in a separate part of the house for a quiet gathering. Trade off who will pop into the party room, and do so at unequal intervals. Kids are quick at figuring out the routine.
- Bring any of your concerns to the attention of the hosts. Ascertain whether action needs to be taken, and give your kids first shot at how to handle it. Step in when necessary.
- Greet everyone at the door, and say good-bye to them when they leave. This will feel weird to some of the kids, but it is important that teens not get the sense of invisibility to adults. We acknowledge their presence in our lives, as we want them to acknowledge ours in theirs.
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Remember there are no guarantees that nothing illegal will be happening during the party. But it goes a long way toward acting responsibly and encouraging your children to do the same.
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