Key Concepts

Violence and Young People

The Washington Post just published an article regarding relationship violence among college students.  Almost half of the undergraduate students in the study report being involved in some sort of violence in relationships.  This violence may have occurred before and/or during college.  The article articulates the types of violent relationships I have heard about from my undergraduate students.

It's important to realize that this type of inter-relationship violence does not occur in a vacuum.  More often than not, if you talk to the victims or offenders, alcohol is involved. Alcohol use reduces inhibitions putting victims in a more vulnerable position and increasing the likelihood that offenders will use violence to get what they want.  

The tragedy here is that often victims will blame themselves because of their alcohol use.  The offenders blame the victims, too.  And this decreases not only the reports, but also the healing. Young people are ashamed to admit that they were victimized after using alcohol.  They have nowhere to turn for fear that others will blame them, too.

Talk to your kids about inter-relationship violence.  Let them know that you understand that it can happen and that the risk is increased when alcohol and drugs are introduced.  Explain that using alcohol doesn't change the fact violence happened, and that someone was victimized.  Talk non-judgmentally.  Share that you hope that they know that you are a resource.  Then, when they (or their friends) come to you, listen and provide a compassionate response.  Help them find the resources to begin the healing.  Most campuses (high school and college) have resources available through their counseling offices.  Your community mental health centers and victims assistance centers are also good resources.  Check out the accompanying tips for minimizing risk that were discussed in the Post article.

The more you talk to young people about this, the more aware they are of signs of potential violence.  This helps protect them.  It's great prevention.  Watch for more to come regarding inter-relationship violence on a future page at KeyConceptForTeens.com.

Curfew

The other day I ran into a friend of mine in the neighborhood.  As we were talking, her high school aged son (who I've known since he was seven) came up to her to let her know his evening plans.  We live in an "urban village" with a healthy night life walking distance from our homes.

The negotiation was perfect.  He was going to hang out -- Mom wants a call once they figure out what they are doing/where they are going.  He wants to stay out until 11:30, Mom comes back with 11.  Here's how the dialogue looked:

Him:   Hey, I'm going out, now (with arm around Mom's shoulder)

Mom:   Who's going?

Him:   (a few names, girls and boys)

Mom: What are you doing

Him:   Don't know, wandering around.

Mom:   I want you to call me when you decide and get there.

Him: (polite grumbling) OK.  What's my curfew?

Mom: What are you thinking about?

Him:   11:30

Mom:   11:00

Him:   Last time it was 12!

Mom:   When?

Him:   When we were at Joe's house.

Mom:   That's at somebody's house --  and I don't remember midnight.

Him: (grumbled resistance)

Mom: I'll talk to Dad, but I think 11:30 is too late.  You guys can come back to the house but I want you back by 11.

Him: (something that resembles understanding, if not agreement, a kiss and he meanders, not unhappily,  down the sidewalk)

Mom: Text or call or something!  (she turns to me)  Nothing good happens after 11.

Watching this was a nice glimpse into a good mother/son relationship.  Mom's right, the local coffee shops all close before 11.  People out on the streets after 11 have often been drinking, and the only places to hang out are places with bars (not that her son would have been served.)

But her son is a typical, well-liked, good-looking 15-year-old.  Of course he wants to push back against Mom's decision.  It's not about whether Mom's being reasonable.  It's the way that he finds out whether she can be counted on.  When he pushes back, is Mom going to get out of the way, or is she there to catch him when he is out to experiment with independence?

Of course he wants to stay out later, and, no, he doesn't realize why he's pushing back.  He just needs to do it.  And Mom shows that she's reliable, and the adult in the relationship, when she sets clear limits.

Does this mean that curfews should be non-negotiable?  Absolutely not.  Curfews are often negotiable, but that negotiation, the reasons, the process, and the outcome, are all critical parts of the ways we support kids as they navigate adolescence.  More on negotiating curfews in a future post.