Key Concepts

The Teen's Brain -- and novel experiences

At the beginning of seventh grade, my son wanted to go to the mall to hang out with friends. By February that activity had become "Boorrrrring!" Sound familiar?

We now know that there is a reason that things that were recently exciting or interesting become boring so quickly. Developing teenaged brains require a great deal of novel stimulation to set up the neural pathways that will eventually serve them well in adulthood. These brains which find something so new today, will find it boring or immature probably by tomorrow. Then the search begins anew for something novel.

Recent research is showing us amazing new information about the Teenager's Brain. For a long time, we believed that teenaged brains -- almost the size of adult brains -- were fully formed, except for their lack of experience. New MRI technology tells us differently. Teens' brains are not like adult brains, they are experiencing substantial change that will not be complete until they are 25.

This explains a lot. We keep feeling as though, if we explain things clearly enough, our kids will get it. One woman who sits on a committee with me said it perfectly, "We parents keep thinking that the kids have our heads on their shoulders."

They don't. The cerebellum which is the physical center of the brain develops early on. It requires lots of physical stimulation. In the meantime, the prefrontal cortex, which controls reason and judgment, is the last part of the brain to fully develop. This is why we see kids making risky choices throughout adolescence and even into college.

The adolescent brain also craves novel experiences much more than the adult brain does. It is why new things that don't offer a lot of neural stimulation become boring quickly. As we all know, hanging out at the mall can become boring pretty fast.

Alcohol and drugs seem to stimulate the neural centers of the brain in ways that continue to feel novel. Unfortunately, they also seem to change the actual development of neural pathways in ways that can create permanent changes, including increasing the likelihood of addictions in the future.

For a much better, yet quick explanation of the Teen's Brain click on this link for the video "Why Do They Act This Way -- A Parent's Guide to the Teen Brain"

Code Words

"Do you have a code word?" my son was asked by a buddy in Health Class.  When he nodded his friend grinned and said "I do, too."

Schools are talking to kids about code words -- so have you and your teen established a code word?  If you haven't you should.

Code words are the way in which our kids make everything their parents' fault.  And we let them do it. Code words signal to us that our child wants to get out of a situation that is uncomfortable.  And when we receive the code we move into our Meanest Mom or Dastardly Dad mode.  Here's how Code Words work.

You and your teens talk about some situations that you know they can find themselves in.  Our example was a shoplifting experience, totally fabricated, and certainly something our son didn't anticipate. Alcohol at parties is another good example.  At the time, we used the word "Grandma".  If he called me and said the word Grandma I knew it was time for me to get mean on the phone (cell phones are easily overheard) and insist that I would be picking him up in the next ten minutes.  "No ifs, ands, or buts, young man!  I'm coming to get you!"

When I do this, he saves face, and gets himself out of an uncomfortable situation. He can resist all he needs to, I get to be the mean one, and since they all know that I'm the strict one anyway, it comes as no surprise.

My sister updated our Code system.  She and her son worked out a text message alert.  We have since added it to our repertoire.  I am on his phone list as Mom as well as with my first initial.  He can text me either way, send the code, and I will call him with some sort of emergency to get him home.

If you didn't already know, there are e-mail codes between kids for Parents Over Shoulder (POS or 9) and the like. Use a code to help teens do the right thing.  It just might be something they brag about.

The Importance of Family Meals

Why are family meals so important to teenagers?  Family meals provide teens with a sense of grounding and belonging.  Family meals show kids that they are important, that they matter to the fabric of the family and that they belong to the family.  Family meals offer a sense of stability in a time in kids’ lives that often feels unstable.  When we eat with our kids, we show them that they are important to our lives and that what they say and do matters to us.  But researchers have discovered more reasons to work hard at establishing a routine of family meals.

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune published an article about the importance of family meals in protecting girls from alcohol, tobacco, and marijuana use.  The article sites a study by researchers at the University of Minnesota that followed girls over five years starting in middle school.  Researchers found that girls eating at least five meals per week were significantly less likely to use these substances.  This protective factor was found even for girls who were not particularly close to their parents. 

While the study is not finding the same protection for boys, family meals offer boys a place and space where they belong.  Having a regular seat, or a favorite meal asserts that boys belong to the family and to the home.  The expectation of family meals is a place where kids and parents know that they will meet.  The family meal has been the mainstay of families around the world across centuries.  Breaking bread together is a symbol of hospitality, generosity and peacefulness.  The same is true in our families.

Many of us face challenges to family meals.  Everything from picky eaters to sports schedules, music lessons to TV gets in the way of family dinners.  But not all family meals have to be family dinners. Weekend breakfasts or brunches are a great way to not only get the family to sit down together, but often, these meals can offer everyone the opportunity to get involved in the preparation.  Kids as young as three or four can help prepare the table, or take plates off the table.  Teens can start to establish their own special brand of pancakes or ways of preparing the eggs.  Lifetime memories develop from Dad's chocolate chip waffles or getting to squeeze the oranges even if you didn't like the orange juice. 

Outside conflicts like sports can arise, but parents should be alert to protecting family time, as well.  We established early on that Friday nights (our family night) would not be compromised by a Friday night 3rd grade basketball league.  While Fridays have become more flexible as the boys get older, we still reject any regularly occurring Friday night commitments.

Family meals establish that the family is as important as outside pressures.  Family meals show everyone in the family that their unit is strong enough to face the outside world.

You can find more information on this study at Join Together.