Key Concepts

Not a Bullet List -- Part 1

Recently I had an e-mail exchange with a mom who had hosted a Living Room Chat for friends of hers interested in helping their younger teens negotiate healthy choices in adolescence.  I had heard through the grapevine that the chat had gone well.

"One of the things the parents wanted," this mom told me, "was a bullet list of points they can make to the kids regarding alcohol use: legal, emotional, social etc."

My response wasn't really a bullet list, but perhaps some useful points.  Here is an expanded discussion that I shared with her.

When we go into schools to talk to kids what they tell us they want are "true stories." There are many teen alcohol stories in the media, including deaths from drinking in the area.  We have plenty of personal stories in our own lives that we can also share.  Drinking and driving is only one aspect of the risks of teenaged drinking.  I talk about the risks of hooking up, and the risks of alcohol poisoning.  I talk about kids who have died because their friends let them sleep it off.  I talk about athletes who are unable to practice or play because of hangovers.  I talk about boys who are arrested for rape, and girls who feel raped after alcohol and sex.  I talk about how all kinds of accidents happen, even when you are not in a car.  We talk about adults we know who have not been as successful as they might have been because they are alcohol dependent -- a major risk associated with teenaged drinking.  Using any news stories, or just what you hear through the grapevine are good ways to start.

We don't talk about legal issues.  That doesn't mean we don't talk about arrests.  We talk about the party (mentioned in a previous blog) where 75 students were arrested.  We talk about the costs of lawyers and the loss of parents' trust.  We talk about having to report arrests on college and job applications.

Feel free to use the stories you read in this blog.  They are here to help make our point clearly. And the kids tell us, that it's what they remember.  If you need more reinforcement, check out this article in the Washington Post.

. . .  Next week  I'll explain why we resist the legal argument.  I'll talk more about how we talk to kids about the importance of postponing using alcohol.  

Not Ready

A mom called to talk about her son and an alcohol related incident at school.  We talked about what kinds of education/treatment considerations might be useful for her son.  This mom had an interesting thought that sounded like a good negotiation with her child.

"With this incident," she suggested "we're not sure he's ready to have a social life in college that isn't about alcohol."  They are seriously considering keeping him home for his first year of college.

Does this sound extreme?  It might for many of us, but sometimes irresponsible decisions like drinking are the ways in which our kids wave the red flag that they are not ready for the responsibilities that attending college away from home include.

As an instructor at a local university for the past 15 years, I have watched some students totally waste their parents' money through the first couple of years of college by drinking and socializing to the exclusion of schoolwork.   In one of my classes  I have three students, in their mid-twenties who are in an undergraduate class.  One of these bright, talented young women has explained that she wasted her first couple of years in school, and had to take time off until she was ready.  That's a very expensive way to learn a lesson.

So consider, as you are talking to your child calmly about making healthy choices, mentioning that one consequence of risky choices might include staying home for the first year or two of college, until you are sure that your student is ready to make independent choices.

Checks and Balances -- Home Alone

What do you do when your children are too old for a babysitter?  More specifically what do you do when the adults in your home are heading out for the weekend, but the kids are staying home? Are teenaged kids to be trusted?

This is a topic we discuss with kids in school frequently. What do you do when your parents go away? Who has responsibility for the home? What happens when others find out that you are home alone?

Consider this, not long ago parents left their 16 year old at home alone on Homecoming weekend. Not surprisingly, this became the place to go for students who wanted to drink, but couldn't do so legally. Estimates vary, but one report has the number of kids in the home somewhere over 20. Kids drank, went to the Homecoming dance and promptly got sick, or were otherwise identified by school officials as drunk. Consequences followed, including the school and judicial system.

When faced with the option of leaving town, parents need to consider the risks and possible outcomes of leaving. One friend of mine trusted her boys, put back ups in place, and fortunately nothing unfortunate happened. How do you help insure that your home won't become the H.S. party house your weekend away?

First, understand that teens interpret "No Parties" very differently than we do. Parties, to them, are huge, with people stumbling around. Parties, to us, usually mean more than two people, eating and drinking and having fun. Our kids are often unprepared for how to send away crashers, and when students find out that the parents are away, they make a bee-line to your home, the party house.

Second, make sure that you have a clear conversation with your teen(s). Be sure to elaborate what your expectations are when you are not in town. List what your rules are, and discuss directly the possible consequences of kids "stretching" the rules. Make sure that you talk about potential outcomes your teen might not predict, like someone with who is very popular trying to use the house. What are your teen's possible responses?

When you are faced with the option of leaving teens home for a weekend, consider some of the following options.

Option 1: Don't Leave Home

While this may feel like a restrictive option, for many kids, parents at home is the only guarantee that the party won't move to your house. In addition, the risks of accidents, in general, on the weekend are significant. You want to be able to get home quickly in case anything goes wrong.

Option 2: Have A Grown-up Stay

Invite Grandparents, older cousins, a local teacher, an adult from your faith community, someone you trust, to stay with the kids at the house. If your teens are uncomfortable with having a "babysitter" help them to understand that there are other ways to explain the presence of a grown up in the house. Ultimately, though, you should explain that the choice is for their safety.

Option 3: Have Teens Stay With A Friend's Family

Some families have this as a trade-off opportunity. You watch theirs and they'll watch yours. Understand that when you have kids staying at a friend's house, the risks are not resolved. Several years ago 75 arrests occurred at a high school party in a nearby town. The host was a 10th grader who told the family he was staying with that he was going out to a movie with friends. He went home and used his key to open the door to roughly 100 friends and hope-to-be friends. The seniors in his school took real advantage. His parents thought they had done the right thing, and yet the party was on them.

Option 4: Talk to your neighbors

Let your neighbors know that you're headed out-of-town. Tell them that you want them to call the police if anything looks amiss. If your teen is staying at the house, you want people keeping an eye out. If your teen needs help, s/he should know that there are people she can call. If people start arriving, instruct her to call the neighbors or the police. If s/he doesn't, and you find out, there will be consequences.