Don't Help!!

Okay, it sounds counterintuitive, but often when our kids are talking about their problems they are not seeking solutions.  Just like many of us, "troubles talk" may be just a way of trying to sort out the problem, not asking for help.  In fact one of the best ways to get teenagers to shut down is to start trying to solve their problems.  

It's a classic scenario, your teenager starts to open up, you try to help by offering solutions.  The next thing that happens startles everyone -- "Did I ask for your help?"  "You just don't understand!"  your child storms off, and now you feel misunderstood.  Suddenly what had the potential to bring you closer has left you both with hurt feelings.

So what is really going on?  Lots of times when teenagers talk to us about their problems, they want to be understood.  At the same time, they want their new found autonomy to be respected.  Sometimes they are wanting a  sounding board, and a safe place to try to figure things out.

How can you tell when they want to talk and when they want a solution?  You can't always, but there are some ways to try to find out.

First -- Express empathy.  Let them know that you understand how they feel.  "That Stinks!"  "Yuck!" or "Ouch!" (or your own version) can indicate that you know how they feel.

Next-- Let them keep talking.  Don't jump in with ideas or thoughts about the situation.  You can encourage more conversation with "What happened next?" or "What did you think then?"

After that -- If they start doing it, let them talk out possible solutions and encourage them to consider the options of each thing they mention.  You can encourage them to think out loud about what the consequences of different choices might be.

Finally -- If the conversation offers the opportunity you may want to say something like "I'm not sure what would best help you -- would you like some suggestions, or is it best if I keep listening?"  When they have the choice, they may want to hear what you think.

For more information about supporting teenagers during stressful times click here.