After the class where my student shared the information about her rape (click here) I came home and I had a rare face-to-face conversation with my 13-year-old son. With his father sitting nearby, I was very serious as I told him about this tragic story, and I said to him, "I know it probably goes without saying, but I want you to know and understand that we are here for you and there is nothing you can do that changes how your dad and I feel about you. We will always love you and we are here to help and support you, no matter what happens."
"You're right," he said, a little uncomfortable, "it goes without saying."
I don't believe what he said, although I know he thinks he believes it. The kids we talk to take unimaginable risks with no idea what the consequences will be. When serious consequences happen, they are often afraid to tell parents for fear of parents' disappointment and/or the consequences.
So how do we tell them that we are both the parent supporter and and the parent enforcer?
- Use stories to make your point.
- Model the compassion that you will show in the future, if something bad comes up.
- Remind your kids of your role. You are the parent(s), the only ones they have. If you act as their friend, you sometimes won't tell them the truth, for fear that they might not like you. As their parent, you will act with their best interest at heart.
- Share the dilemma that you experience. --
- "I want to support you, but I can't say that if you break our rules, there will be no consequences. I can tell you that the consequences are greater when one bad decision is followed by others. Lying or keeping secrets can have effects you will never imagine. Talk to us/me if anything happens that hurts you or others. We'll help you figure out your next steps."
- Repeat as needed.
At some point later (but don't wait too long) you can talk about the rules and the consequences. That's not a conversation to have now.
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