Key Concepts

Nine minute story

Our kids are pretty forgiving. Often times when we screw up they keep loving us. They seem to know that we love them even when we get it wrong or do it badly. And we keep trying to do a good job.

Eventually they become teenagers and we go crazy. We thought we knew them and taught them well, and suddenly they start talking back and making ill-considered impulsive decisions. And then, the crazy part is, we ask them what were they thinking!! Do we really think they have an answer?  Do we have an answer when we do stupid things. . . like asking them what were they thinking?  Of course in both cases the answer is "We weren't thinking!"

This recent NPR story has some interesting insights, and a really good idea about balanced consequences to poor decision making.  It takes about nine minutes.

 

Back to School Talk

The start of school feels a lot like New Years! With new clothes, and clean notebooks there is a sense of a fresh new start in the air. The last few weeks can be a time for students to be thinking about resolutions for the new school year. That's why this is a good time to have some casual chats with those who are about to head back to school.  

 A lot of students gear up for the new school year. They feel excited to continue another successful year, or determined to make things different from how they went in the past. There is often anxiety as well.  Will I fit in with all my friends after the summer? Will there be things that others want to do that I won't know how to do? It's often nice to have older and wiser input about how to approach the new things coming.

One way you can start these conversations is to talk about what you remember each year as school was about to start. Did you feel excited or anxious? Did you wonder about what the new year would bring? Were you faced with things that made you nervous, or did you experience something that made an impression when you were their age? (If you have an eye roller sitting next to you, just ignore it, and talk anyway. That's why side-by-side is much better than face-to-face.)

There are a couple of websites you might want to check out that talk about back to school talks. The first one is targeted at talking to girls, but quite frankly, the topics are not really gender specific. Check out this link on tonic.com to consider topics important for middle and high schoolers to be thinking about.

Of course as kids are getting older (starting no later than 7th grade), there are also thoughts and concerns about facing the opportunities for alcohol and drugs. The Partnership for a Drug Free America has a Tool Kit to help parents have those conversations. Back to school is a great time to have that conversation and review the family rules!

Once you've talked, make sure that you stay quiet and listen to what they have to say. Kids won't always respond immediately. It may be something that comes up hours, days or weeks later, but when they are ready to talk, make sure you let them know that you are listening.

For those heading back to school in the next few weeks -- have fun!  For those waiting until after Labor Day, stay cool and have fun!

Teens and Depression

One important component of teen substance abuse that often gets overlooked is the possibility that teens are self-medicating other serious issues like depression and anxiety. When teens are asked about drinking, it is not easy for them to acknowledge that using alcohol or drugs can help them feel relief from some very difficult symptoms.  Some teens will admit to using alcohol to reduce stress and blow off steam.  

While the glib answer might be "Try yoga!" it is important for adults to take these remarks seriously. Resorting to alcohol use to relieve stress is a bad idea at any age, but particularly for teenagers.  It can result in a lifelong reliance on outside stress relievers like alcohol, drugs, and pills.  

 

Instead, talk to teens about what is going on around them.  Do things feel overwhelming, hopeless, and unremittingly stressful?  If the answer is yes, consult a professional.  Check with the school counselor for referrals or talk to a pediatrician or family doctor. Even if the teenager is initially not willing to meet with someone, don't back down. Talk to the professional yourself, and strategize next steps that might be necessary.

Check out this link for more information about teens and depression.

Feel free to contact Kate McCauley, LCSW directly at [email protected] or 703.525.1555

"I'm Bored"

  As kids get older there are fewer camp opportunities for them.  When they don't need daycare, and can stay home without round the clock coverage, many parents stop booking their summers wall-to-wall. Summers seemed tailor made for teens to catch up on their sleep.  But it leaves plenty of time for having "Nothing to do!"

A few years ago a good friend put together a refrigerator list for "When I'm Bored."  I adapted her list to my kids.  It changes every summer with different ideas.  It might be a good brainstorming exercise to do with your kids.  As they develop a list, they might find ways to keep themselves busy so they don't have to approach the list.  Here's our list -- adapt liberally.

Download "When I'm Bored"