With the Super Bowl coming up this weekend, I keep remembering a Super Bowl weekend when I was in grad school. Washington's football team had made it to the Super Bowl and everyone I knew had plans. Plans that didn't include me. I was going home to watch the game alone. I felt like the only one without a date to the prom. I felt left out and lonely.
A little over a week ago, I heard a radio essay that reminded me of those feelings. It has haunted several recent conversations, and gotten replayed in my mind over and over again.
In this essay a courageous young college student speaks about his experiences as a college freshman. He talks about some of the college norms related to drinking, drugs, and hooking up.
The powerful part of what Joel Carela talks about is the concept loneliness. He talks about how, even in the midst of easy sex and newly established friendships, he was overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness. His honesty took my breath away. Listen to his story.
How does anyone get through high school or college without experiencing some loneliness? In that adolescent period of feeling like some part of the world revolves around them, often kids can also feel disconnected while searching for meaning and purpose.
We don't usually talk about loneliness. Even parents who take the time and energy to talk about tough topics, often don't think about talking about how powerful loneliness can be for anyone, but particularly teens and young adults. It's one more way for kids to feel out sync, all the while seeing everyone else seeming to move smoothly through life and friendships as they struggle.
Wouldn't it be great if our kids could name and claim loneliness as one of the emotions that they have? It would be great if they own it, because once they feel like these feelings are normal, it makes it less necessary to self-medicate them with alcohol, drugs, or random hook ups. It's a hard feeling to own, but they can do it, if we help them.
- We help them when we talk about our own loneliness when we were younger.
- We help them when we ask if they've ever felt lonely.
- We help them when we wonder out loud about their classmates who might be lonely.
- We help them when we ask what they think loneliness might look or feel like.
- We help them when we explain that loneliness is the absence of close, caring relationships that feel safe.
We help them develop empathy skills for others who might feel lonely, all the while telling them that it is OK to talk about their own feelings of loneliness. We help them when we realize that the loneliness has become depression, and we make sure they get the help they need.
We usually can't "fix" their loneliness, but we can make it more normal.
Loneliness. Something to talk about.
http://yv.wamu.org/students/2011/carela-hookups.php';
