At a back-to-school event I caught up with a mom I hadn't seen since last spring. Three of us were standing around talking about the summer. This mom talked about THE event of their summer.
Her son, a high school upperclassman, is a rule follower. He doesn't like to get into trouble, and has a reputation for being dependable. He has a younger sibling. Mom and Dad decided to take one night away from home. Just one night.
Well, the predictable thing happened, in a way that felt very unpredictable to this senior. I don't have all the details, but there was a party. Son couldn't keep it from his parents for very long. The lack of eye contact was a dead giveaway. When he was exceedingly helpful, Mom knew to ask, and he confessed. It was a party that very quickly got out of control. Kids he barely knew showed up. Apparently there was a fair amount of beer. He didn't know how to get things under control.
This is a scenario that happens to teenagers way too often. When we've talked to ninth and tenth graders, we actually give them this as a role play. How do you get yourself out of a situation when older kids or popular kids want to take advantage of no parents home? I've seen small groups of girls role play calling the police. I've seen groups of boys not even get what the big deal was -- the more the merrier.
While I would like to say don't leave them alone, that becomes a tricky proposition (as we discovered with our teens this Spring.) It's the trust dance where they don't want a babysitter, and you don't want to leave them open to lots of risks. Some parents will farm teenagers out for sleepovers. This feels like a responsible compromise and can be, but remember that it's not unheard of for kids to be tempted back to the empty house for a little celebrating.
In an earlier blog on unsupervised parties, one commenter mentioned very explicit rules. 'When we are gone, no one is allowed in the house but you and your brother. No one.' There's no room for interpretation here. Some kids will argue that when you said "No parties," they were just planning to hang out with a dozen of their closest friends.
Here are some tips to consider if you are considering leaving a teenager or two alone overnight:
- Tell all of your neighbors you will be away. If anyone other than your child enters the house, they are being asked to call the police. Tell your children that you have done this.
- Tell your kids that if anyone shows up and tries to convince them to have friend over, the nosy neighbors will call the police.
- If something gets out of hand (we know how creative and crafty some teens can be) there are phone numbers to call or text. Go over those numbers (store them in cell phones) in advance. Include 911 in those numbers. Remind them that if they have not actively tried to end this unsupervised visit there will be family consequences once you return. In our house, we have a neighbor who will, if contacted, come over immediately and be the big meany.
- Enumerate the risks of an unsupervised party. Alcohol poisoning, drunken sexual assaults, stolen or broken property, stupid risks that can result in injury or death, teens driving home while high or intoxicated and hurting themselves or others, illegal drug use, police raids. In all cases, you will deal with it as a family, but the expenses will be theirs. The lawyers fees, the replacement fees, the college application impact, etc.
So back to this Mom. To her credit, she insisted on a list of the attendees. While her senior balked, she explained that parents deserve to know if their child has attended an unsupervised party where alcohol was served. Some of these kids had to drive home. She called every parent she knew and told them. And now she's spreading the word to the unsuspecting parents so they might avoid having to walk in her shoes.
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