Key Concepts

Parents and Driving

Teen driving.  It is the key to parental freedom, as well as teens'.  No more carpooling, no more arranging your schedules around their practices, rehearsals, or evening plans.  It is also a time that can be fraught with second guessing for ourselves and for them.  More and more teens are postponing getting their licenses or permits and letting their parents continue to drive them.  

There are a variety of reasons for this, but one reason is that teens have good instincts and know when they aren't ready.  A therapist tells the story of a father who was his client.  The father reported three different incidences where his son had increasingly serious car accidents.  The therapist finally asked his client "Do you think he's telling you he's not ready to drive?"

Our roads are more crowded then ever.  Drivers these days have become increasingly aggressive.  Teens are smart to want to wait until they feel ready.

When they are ready, (and even before) there are some important things for parents to remember.  

1- You are their driving role models.  This is not a 'Do as a I say not as I do' moment.  Explain what you are doing and why.  Explain why you do things that you don't want them to do, and apologize when you drive badly. 

2- Remember, you can make your own rules that exceed what your state requires.  Just because they have hit the right age does not mean they are ready.  You decide when they are ready to take their driver's test.

3- Practice makes better. One Arlington, VA family doubled the pre-license driving hour requirements for their boys.  They required highway experience before the license, too. Early Sunday mornings were a good opportunity to try out highway driving. 

4- Skills empower drivers. Require that they can drive smoothly in reverse, parallel park, fill the tank, change a tire, and check the oil. Girls as well as boys. The more they know, the more they feel in control and are willing to take control.  

5- There should be no crossed fingers at test time.  Everyone in your family should know when your teen is ready to become a driver.

One mom shared a great link to thinking about teen driving.  Check out the CDC's website and some of the links in the left hand column.

Happy Driving.

 

 

http://www.cdc.gov/ParentsAreTheKey/index.html

Ordinary Days

Late this summer life got pretty chaotic.  Work had some upheavals.  I taught two classes, one of which I had never taught before. It felt impossible to find a rhythm to my days or my weeks.  I worked hard to not take it out on my family, even though they had to feel the wake of the challenges.

The holidays settled most things.  I had a chance to laugh a lot with the people I love, and I had good down time to think, and start to plan for how I hope 2011 will look.

When planning things, I usually try to start with the goal in mind.  This video isn't necessarily the goal, but it keeps the perspective.  Why are we doing what we are doing?  It's really about the ordinary days.

Maybe this video is a good way to start the year.  We can talk about the challenges later.

(If you don't see it below, Click here)

  

 

 

Parenting That Works

 For a long time in my classes I have been talking about the successes related to authoritative parenting.  Authoritative parents, according to respected researcher Diana Baumrind, combine high warmth and high engagement/accountability to stay connected to their teens.  

Baumrind's research shows that kids who grow up in homes with authoritative parents are much more likely to succeed personally, professionally, and academically.  Having either warmth or engagement without the other is not enough balance for kids.  They need both.  A new study from BYU finds this related to teens and heavy drinking.  While teens may experiment with alcohol, teens with warm, engaged parents are much less likely to experiment with or participate in heavy drinking.  Check it out!  Click Here.

For more discussion on the parenting styles that work, check out this earlier discussion.

The Younger They Start . . .

A recent issue of the journal Pediatrics reinforced research we have seen before.  In a review of interviews and re-interviews of almost 40,000 people the evidence powerfully suggests several things.

"The younger respondents were when they started drinking, the greater the likelihood that, (in the intervening 2-3 years) between the 2 surveys, they 

• experienced alcohol dependence/abuse, 
• drank 5 drinks per occasion at least weekly
• drove under the influence of alcohol, 
• and placed themselves in situations after drinking where they could be hurt."   

  

Previous research published in JAMA has also suggested that those who begin drinking under the age of 21  "were significantly more likely to have been injured while under the influence of alcohol."

Drinking and driving are not the only risks for younger people.  It's not safe to keep teens home and drinking in the basement after collecting the keys.  Reminding about "Designated Drivers" does not protect them from potentially serious injury.

Make sure that parents you know are aware of the risks.  At baseball and soccer games, at school plays and PTA meetings, at recitals and beside the swimming pool, remind your friends that there's no good reason to believe that "kids will be kids" and that high school drinking is "not so bad."

The more parents know this, the more our kids will be reinforced in our messages.

 

Does it go without saying? -- Part 2 How to Say It.

After the class where my student shared the information about her rape (click here) I came home and I had a rare face-to-face conversation with my 13-year-old son.  With his father sitting nearby, I was very serious as I told him about this tragic story, and I said to him, "I know it probably goes without saying, but I want you to know and understand that we are here for you and there is nothing you can do that changes how your dad and I feel about you.  We will always love you and we are here to help and support you, no matter what happens."  

"You're right," he said, a little uncomfortable, "it goes without saying."

I don't believe what he said, although I know he thinks he believes it.  The kids we talk to take unimaginable risks with no idea what the consequences will be.  When serious consequences happen, they are often afraid to tell parents for fear of parents' disappointment and/or the consequences.

So how do we tell them that we are both the parent supporter and and the parent enforcer?

• Use stories to make your point. 
• Model the compassion that you will show in the future, if something bad comes up. 
• Remind your kids of your role.  You are the parent(s), the only ones they have. If you act as their friend, you sometimes won't tell them the truth, for fear that they might not like you.  As their parent, you will act with their best interest at heart. 
• Share the dilemma that you experience.  --  
  •  "I want to support you, but I can't say that if you break our rules, there will be no consequences.  I can tell you that the consequences are greater when one bad decision is followed by others. Lying or keeping secrets can have effects you will never imagine.  Talk to us/me if anything happens that hurts you or others. We'll help you figure out your next steps."  
• Repeat as needed.

At some point later (but don't wait too long) you can talk about the rules and the consequences.  That's not a conversation to have now.  

Does it go without saying? -- Part 1

One of my students was raped at age 15 after drinking too much.  Her story is a cautionary tale.  She was going out with a boy she was wanting to impress.  He took her to a party and she tried to keep up with his drinking.  After he passed out, the host took advantage and raped her in another room.  She kept this secret to herself for many years.  Her first admission came much later, and her parents still don't know.  

You can guess why her parents don't know.  Most often, our teens fear our reactions when they have something serious to tell us.  If it is as a result of an unwise choice on their part, they fear a black and white response. (After all, this is how they most often judge one another.) They are afraid of our disappointment, or our outrage.  It is difficult for teens to imagine that we would have a compassionate response when, in fact, our greatest fear may have come true.  They fear our "I told you so!" remark or facial reaction.  They feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Have you told your children that even if things go wrong, you love and support them? Are you sure you have said this specifically, or do you think that, of course they know this.  Is there anything that will change your love for your child?  Tell the truth!  Our kids need us to be explicit. This is a perfect topic for a short drive or an after-dinner talk.  It has to come without a lecture, and it probably has to be repeated about once a year.  (You know how quickly they forget!)

More about how to talk about this in an upcoming blog. 

By the way.  Beach Week is coming up for some of your high school students.  If your child is already going, contact me, we have a booklet that includes planning information.  For more information about talking about Beach Week click here.  

Don't Help!!

Okay, it sounds counterintuitive, but often when our kids are talking about their problems they are not seeking solutions.  Just like many of us, "troubles talk" may be just a way of trying to sort out the problem, not asking for help.  In fact one of the best ways to get teenagers to shut down is to start trying to solve their problems.  

It's a classic scenario, your teenager starts to open up, you try to help by offering solutions.  The next thing that happens startles everyone -- "Did I ask for your help?"  "You just don't understand!"  your child storms off, and now you feel misunderstood.  Suddenly what had the potential to bring you closer has left you both with hurt feelings.

So what is really going on?  Lots of times when teenagers talk to us about their problems, they want to be understood.  At the same time, they want their new found autonomy to be respected.  Sometimes they are wanting a  sounding board, and a safe place to try to figure things out.

How can you tell when they want to talk and when they want a solution?  You can't always, but there are some ways to try to find out.

First -- Express empathy.  Let them know that you understand how they feel.  "That Stinks!"  "Yuck!" or "Ouch!" (or your own version) can indicate that you know how they feel.

Next-- Let them keep talking.  Don't jump in with ideas or thoughts about the situation.  You can encourage more conversation with "What happened next?" or "What did you think then?"

After that -- If they start doing it, let them talk out possible solutions and encourage them to consider the options of each thing they mention.  You can encourage them to think out loud about what the consequences of different choices might be.

Finally -- If the conversation offers the opportunity you may want to say something like "I'm not sure what would best help you -- would you like some suggestions, or is it best if I keep listening?"  When they have the choice, they may want to hear what you think.

For more information about supporting teenagers during stressful times click here.

 

 

Speaking of Sex

I recently spoke with parents in Arlington, VA about strategies for Talking to Teens About Touchy Topics.  Because of my own work, there was more focus on alcohol and drugs.  But lots of parents want to know how to talk to their kids about sex, and I didn't focus as much on that as I could have.

Talking about sex can be tough.  It is important that our kids know our own thoughts and feelings about sex.  As they reach adolescence we can't always wait for them to ask questions like they did when they were kids.  We need to look for teachable moments that present themselves.  Stories in the media are good opportunities to talk about this.  Local stories or family talk can launch these conversations.

One thing I encourage parents not to say is "Wait until you are in love".  Really?  Have you ever met anyone more in love than a 16 year old, unless of course it's a 14 year old.  Talking to kids about sex requires knowing what you want to say, and saying it, even when it's uncomfortable.  It includes talking about the responsibilities of sex as well as the anatomy.  It includes telling them what we want them to think about, despite what some of our own teen experiences might have been.

Remember that alcohol and sex are often tied together, for kids as well as adults.  Girls tell us that they use alcohol to do things they wouldn't do when they are sober.  Boys tell us they support one another in the use of alcohol to get girls to be sexually available to them.  Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by the age of 16 are intoxicated at the time and half later regret their action*.

 

Karen Rayne, a sex educator in Texas, has a great blog site, Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne.  Read what she has to say to help you form your own ideas, and prepare for the multiple talks you will have with your teen.

*Stashwick, C. (2000).  Teens trying drugs and alcohol. Contemporary Pediatrics 17(4), 45 

Several Tid-Bits

I've added a page related to Inhalants.  This information is appropriate for all, particularly important to Middle School Parents.  This is something every parent of teens should know about.  The information is from the Virginia Inhalant Abuse Prevention Coalition.

I'm adding a page titled "Where's Kate?" that will list the sites and topics where I will be speaking.  I have several different presentations for parents and teachers coming up in the Washington, DC area, and I thought I'd let readers know, if you are interested in a live discussion.

Jay Mathews from the Washington Post started an on-line chat about college drinking that some families with older teens may be interested in.  The UVA program that he mentions is in Arlington on March 30th.  If you are interested in more information, feel free to contact me.  To see what others are saying about college drinking and to see a few useful links click here.

On that note, parents and teens are starting college visits and HS seniors are making decisions about which colleges they will attend. One of the reasons parents give when allowing their high school students to drink is that this will help dissuade them from risky drinking behaviors in college.  The research doesn't support this.  See what motivates college drinking in this fact sheet related to college drinking.

Talking About -- Michael Phelps

Talk about "Teachable Moments."  A London newspaper recently published a picture of Michael Phelps (Olympic gold medal swimmer) taking a hit off of a bong.  He made a tacit acknowledgment that it is, indeed, him in the picture.

Newspaper columnists have taken all sorts of different positions on this issue.  Some, like Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post, pointed out the precariousness of the life of an elite athlete, while poking baby boomer fun and the idea that a 23 y.o. smoking pot should be such a big deal.  Michael Wilbon of the Post and ESPN strongly disagrees with Jenkins' assumptions and futher makes the point that if you are going accept $100 Million to be a role model, you better be a good role model.

ESPN is definitely talking about it and that's what my teenager is seeing and hearing.  The debate about whether or not smoking pot recreationally after intense training for the Olympics should be an issue is at the heart of the discussions.  "I'm not condoning it," many commentators have said, "but . . ."  These are the kinds of things my sports fan kids are hearing.

Teens in classrooms around the country are asking -- "What's the big deal -- everyone does it?"

So how do we talk about it?

Actually Michael Phelps, has had some of the most useful commentary, although he is doing it through press releases and short interviews.  Michael Phelps is acknowledging the real embarrassment that he caused himself and his family.  Phelps' mother is a middle school principal.  This young man who felt his mother's support can't help but feel her embarrassment.

These are the things we can bring to the table.  We don't need to debate whether it is any big deal that he smoked pot, it can make us seem out of touch.  What we want to talk about is the fact that there are real consequences for decisions that not only break the law, but reduce him in terms of his reputation.  Phelps has let people down.  People who believed in him, people who trusted him now realize that he is not the man he wanted them to believe he was.  His mother must now face the students at her school, while explaining that she wants them to never try drugs.

So we ask our kids -- 

"What are the risks if you are using marijuana and get caught?  

Is it worth losing the trust of your parents?  

Is it worth the price of a lawyer?  

Is it worth the risks associated with your future and college?"  

Feel free to share your own feelings about Michael Phelps or even your own struggles about why this is an issue.  For me, I'm disappointed in Michael Phelps and he is not my son.  I can only imagine how I would feel if he was.  Still I have mixed feelings about criminalizing marijuana, and that doesn't mean I'm not fully aware of the risks.  

There are medical risks.  Marijuana is now genetically engineered so that its THC content is stronger than it was in the 70's and 80's.  We know now that marijuana inhibits both short and long term memory.  Marijuana abuse is the number one cause for drug treatment for teens in this country. 

We can talk about medical risks, but teens respond better to reputation and relationship discussions.  Don't spend a lot of time hammering home points.  Listen to what your teen has to say, and share your thoughts.  Get smart by reading up a little if you don't know enough.

When we talk about these things, while still stating our clear expectations that teens should not use, our children see that we are aware of their own internal struggles.  We support kids when we insist on consequences.  It gives them protection from outside forces.

Make sure that your "Teachable Moment" is respectful, but take advantage of it short and sweet.  At the dinner table, driving to practice, while cleaning the kitchen.  Don't let the opportunity pass.