Key Concepts

Ordinary Days

Late this summer life got pretty chaotic.  Work had some upheavals.  I taught two classes, one of which I had never taught before. It felt impossible to find a rhythm to my days or my weeks.  I worked hard to not take it out on my family, even though they had to feel the wake of the challenges.

The holidays settled most things.  I had a chance to laugh a lot with the people I love, and I had good down time to think, and start to plan for how I hope 2011 will look.

When planning things, I usually try to start with the goal in mind.  This video isn't necessarily the goal, but it keeps the perspective.  Why are we doing what we are doing?  It's really about the ordinary days.

Maybe this video is a good way to start the year.  We can talk about the challenges later.

(If you don't see it below, Click here)

  

 

 

Parenting That Works

 For a long time in my classes I have been talking about the successes related to authoritative parenting.  Authoritative parents, according to respected researcher Diana Baumrind, combine high warmth and high engagement/accountability to stay connected to their teens.  

Baumrind's research shows that kids who grow up in homes with authoritative parents are much more likely to succeed personally, professionally, and academically.  Having either warmth or engagement without the other is not enough balance for kids.  They need both.  A new study from BYU finds this related to teens and heavy drinking.  While teens may experiment with alcohol, teens with warm, engaged parents are much less likely to experiment with or participate in heavy drinking.  Check it out!  Click Here.

For more discussion on the parenting styles that work, check out this earlier discussion.

The Younger They Start . . .

A recent issue of the journal Pediatrics reinforced research we have seen before.  In a review of interviews and re-interviews of almost 40,000 people the evidence powerfully suggests several things.

"The younger respondents were when they started drinking, the greater the likelihood that, (in the intervening 2-3 years) between the 2 surveys, they 

• experienced alcohol dependence/abuse, 
• drank 5 drinks per occasion at least weekly
• drove under the influence of alcohol, 
• and placed themselves in situations after drinking where they could be hurt."   

  

Previous research published in JAMA has also suggested that those who begin drinking under the age of 21  "were significantly more likely to have been injured while under the influence of alcohol."

Drinking and driving are not the only risks for younger people.  It's not safe to keep teens home and drinking in the basement after collecting the keys.  Reminding about "Designated Drivers" does not protect them from potentially serious injury.

Make sure that parents you know are aware of the risks.  At baseball and soccer games, at school plays and PTA meetings, at recitals and beside the swimming pool, remind your friends that there's no good reason to believe that "kids will be kids" and that high school drinking is "not so bad."

The more parents know this, the more our kids will be reinforced in our messages.

 

Does it go without saying? -- Part 2 How to Say It.

After the class where my student shared the information about her rape (click here) I came home and I had a rare face-to-face conversation with my 13-year-old son.  With his father sitting nearby, I was very serious as I told him about this tragic story, and I said to him, "I know it probably goes without saying, but I want you to know and understand that we are here for you and there is nothing you can do that changes how your dad and I feel about you.  We will always love you and we are here to help and support you, no matter what happens."  

"You're right," he said, a little uncomfortable, "it goes without saying."

I don't believe what he said, although I know he thinks he believes it.  The kids we talk to take unimaginable risks with no idea what the consequences will be.  When serious consequences happen, they are often afraid to tell parents for fear of parents' disappointment and/or the consequences.

So how do we tell them that we are both the parent supporter and and the parent enforcer?

• Use stories to make your point. 
• Model the compassion that you will show in the future, if something bad comes up. 
• Remind your kids of your role.  You are the parent(s), the only ones they have. If you act as their friend, you sometimes won't tell them the truth, for fear that they might not like you.  As their parent, you will act with their best interest at heart. 
• Share the dilemma that you experience.  --  
  •  "I want to support you, but I can't say that if you break our rules, there will be no consequences.  I can tell you that the consequences are greater when one bad decision is followed by others. Lying or keeping secrets can have effects you will never imagine.  Talk to us/me if anything happens that hurts you or others. We'll help you figure out your next steps."  
• Repeat as needed.

At some point later (but don't wait too long) you can talk about the rules and the consequences.  That's not a conversation to have now.  

Does it go without saying? -- Part 1

One of my students was raped at age 15 after drinking too much.  Her story is a cautionary tale.  She was going out with a boy she was wanting to impress.  He took her to a party and she tried to keep up with his drinking.  After he passed out, the host took advantage and raped her in another room.  She kept this secret to herself for many years.  Her first admission came much later, and her parents still don't know.  

You can guess why her parents don't know.  Most often, our teens fear our reactions when they have something serious to tell us.  If it is as a result of an unwise choice on their part, they fear a black and white response. (After all, this is how they most often judge one another.) They are afraid of our disappointment, or our outrage.  It is difficult for teens to imagine that we would have a compassionate response when, in fact, our greatest fear may have come true.  They fear our "I told you so!" remark or facial reaction.  They feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Have you told your children that even if things go wrong, you love and support them? Are you sure you have said this specifically, or do you think that, of course they know this.  Is there anything that will change your love for your child?  Tell the truth!  Our kids need us to be explicit. This is a perfect topic for a short drive or an after-dinner talk.  It has to come without a lecture, and it probably has to be repeated about once a year.  (You know how quickly they forget!)

More about how to talk about this in an upcoming blog. 

By the way.  Beach Week is coming up for some of your high school students.  If your child is already going, contact me, we have a booklet that includes planning information.  For more information about talking about Beach Week click here.  

Speaking of Sex

I recently spoke with parents in Arlington, VA about strategies for Talking to Teens About Touchy Topics.  Because of my own work, there was more focus on alcohol and drugs.  But lots of parents want to know how to talk to their kids about sex, and I didn't focus as much on that as I could have.

Talking about sex can be tough.  It is important that our kids know our own thoughts and feelings about sex.  As they reach adolescence we can't always wait for them to ask questions like they did when they were kids.  We need to look for teachable moments that present themselves.  Stories in the media are good opportunities to talk about this.  Local stories or family talk can launch these conversations.

One thing I encourage parents not to say is "Wait until you are in love".  Really?  Have you ever met anyone more in love than a 16 year old, unless of course it's a 14 year old.  Talking to kids about sex requires knowing what you want to say, and saying it, even when it's uncomfortable.  It includes talking about the responsibilities of sex as well as the anatomy.  It includes telling them what we want them to think about, despite what some of our own teen experiences might have been.

Remember that alcohol and sex are often tied together, for kids as well as adults.  Girls tell us that they use alcohol to do things they wouldn't do when they are sober.  Boys tell us they support one another in the use of alcohol to get girls to be sexually available to them.  Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by the age of 16 are intoxicated at the time and half later regret their action*.

 

Karen Rayne, a sex educator in Texas, has a great blog site, Adolescent Sexuality by Dr. Karen Rayne.  Read what she has to say to help you form your own ideas, and prepare for the multiple talks you will have with your teen.

*Stashwick, C. (2000).  Teens trying drugs and alcohol. Contemporary Pediatrics 17(4), 45 

Several Tid-Bits

I've added a page related to Inhalants.  This information is appropriate for all, particularly important to Middle School Parents.  This is something every parent of teens should know about.  The information is from the Virginia Inhalant Abuse Prevention Coalition.

I'm adding a page titled "Where's Kate?" that will list the sites and topics where I will be speaking.  I have several different presentations for parents and teachers coming up in the Washington, DC area, and I thought I'd let readers know, if you are interested in a live discussion.

Jay Mathews from the Washington Post started an on-line chat about college drinking that some families with older teens may be interested in.  The UVA program that he mentions is in Arlington on March 30th.  If you are interested in more information, feel free to contact me.  To see what others are saying about college drinking and to see a few useful links click here.

On that note, parents and teens are starting college visits and HS seniors are making decisions about which colleges they will attend. One of the reasons parents give when allowing their high school students to drink is that this will help dissuade them from risky drinking behaviors in college.  The research doesn't support this.  See what motivates college drinking in this fact sheet related to college drinking.

Talking About -- Michael Phelps

Talk about "Teachable Moments."  A London newspaper recently published a picture of Michael Phelps (Olympic gold medal swimmer) taking a hit off of a bong.  He made a tacit acknowledgment that it is, indeed, him in the picture.

Newspaper columnists have taken all sorts of different positions on this issue.  Some, like Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post, pointed out the precariousness of the life of an elite athlete, while poking baby boomer fun and the idea that a 23 y.o. smoking pot should be such a big deal.  Michael Wilbon of the Post and ESPN strongly disagrees with Jenkins' assumptions and futher makes the point that if you are going accept $100 Million to be a role model, you better be a good role model.

ESPN is definitely talking about it and that's what my teenager is seeing and hearing.  The debate about whether or not smoking pot recreationally after intense training for the Olympics should be an issue is at the heart of the discussions.  "I'm not condoning it," many commentators have said, "but . . ."  These are the kinds of things my sports fan kids are hearing.

Teens in classrooms around the country are asking -- "What's the big deal -- everyone does it?"

So how do we talk about it?

Actually Michael Phelps, has had some of the most useful commentary, although he is doing it through press releases and short interviews.  Michael Phelps is acknowledging the real embarrassment that he caused himself and his family.  Phelps' mother is a middle school principal.  This young man who felt his mother's support can't help but feel her embarrassment.

These are the things we can bring to the table.  We don't need to debate whether it is any big deal that he smoked pot, it can make us seem out of touch.  What we want to talk about is the fact that there are real consequences for decisions that not only break the law, but reduce him in terms of his reputation.  Phelps has let people down.  People who believed in him, people who trusted him now realize that he is not the man he wanted them to believe he was.  His mother must now face the students at her school, while explaining that she wants them to never try drugs.

So we ask our kids -- 

"What are the risks if you are using marijuana and get caught?  

Is it worth losing the trust of your parents?  

Is it worth the price of a lawyer?  

Is it worth the risks associated with your future and college?"  

Feel free to share your own feelings about Michael Phelps or even your own struggles about why this is an issue.  For me, I'm disappointed in Michael Phelps and he is not my son.  I can only imagine how I would feel if he was.  Still I have mixed feelings about criminalizing marijuana, and that doesn't mean I'm not fully aware of the risks.  

There are medical risks.  Marijuana is now genetically engineered so that its THC content is stronger than it was in the 70's and 80's.  We know now that marijuana inhibits both short and long term memory.  Marijuana abuse is the number one cause for drug treatment for teens in this country. 

We can talk about medical risks, but teens respond better to reputation and relationship discussions.  Don't spend a lot of time hammering home points.  Listen to what your teen has to say, and share your thoughts.  Get smart by reading up a little if you don't know enough.

When we talk about these things, while still stating our clear expectations that teens should not use, our children see that we are aware of their own internal struggles.  We support kids when we insist on consequences.  It gives them protection from outside forces.

Make sure that your "Teachable Moment" is respectful, but take advantage of it short and sweet.  At the dinner table, driving to practice, while cleaning the kitchen.  Don't let the opportunity pass.

Our Heads -- Their Shoulders

A group of parents were gathered in a coffee shop planning future programs for their schools.  These folks are part of a group trying to help keep parents engaged in the process of parenting their teens.  Lots of lively ideas were being shared.  Head shaking occurred when someone would bring up another hair-brained escapade of a local teen.  "It's like," one mom said, "we expect them to have our heads on their shoulders."

Teens don't have our heads on their shoulders.  In fact, they have these brains that are still working on fully developing the pre-frontal cortex which houses judgement and decision making.  Research is telling us that they won't be done with that task until they are around 25.  So they do foolish things and we shake our heads, sometimes get mad, and often inquire "What were You thinking?"  (By the way, when they say "I don't know!"  they are telling the truth.)

I spoke with a mom at a middle school PTA meeting recently.  She was regretting the loss of an open, lively relationship with her almost-teen daughter.  Her daughter was convinced that Mom could no longer understand the lives of her friends.  As we spoke I watched this mom develop her own understanding of what happens when we express shock at the newest thing happening among teen friends.  But more, what she realized is that she needs to share, in a calm way, her concerns about her daughter's new found freedom. Her daughter doesn't have the benefit of the years of experience that Mom does.  Her daughter doesn't understand why Mom is sometimes fearful of teenaged independence.  As we parted Mom was talking about the ways she might share her own memories of boys and girls and middle school.  She spoke of talking more about what she is thinking so that she and her daughter have an understanding of what would make these next steps easier for both of them.  

In some ways Mom was starting to put her head on her daughter's shoulders.

Calling All Parents

I make my sons crazy because I am the parent who calls.  As much as they would like me to trust them and their friends, it's their parents, I tell them, that I need to trust.

I am the parent who calls.  I call parents when my kids are invited to their friends' homes.  I make sure that there will be parents around, and hopefully supervising what is going on.  I would love to be able to say that I am one of the parents who calls, but my sons believe that I am the only one who calls.

I have some standard questions about what is going on.  The conversation looks something like this.

"Hi, I hear the kids are planning on getting together. . .  Yeah, I just wanted to make sure that you are expecting my rapscallion. . .  Do you know what they are planning?. . .   Do you have an idea when I should pick him up? . . .  What should he bring?"  If it's a party planned, I sometimes ask if the hosts need any help with chaperones.

Now that the kids are more independent, it's not unusual for them to make a plan and for me to be going right along with it.  Suddenly I realize that I have not confirmed the plans with parents I have known for years.  I'm trying to stop doing that.  I want to connect with the people who are taking responsibility for my sons.  I want to make sure that they have heard the same plans that I have.  I want to make sure that an adult knows where my kids are.

It's a pain to be the parent who calls.  If you're uncomfortable being the only parent who calls, set up a team.  You'll call on Monday, someone else calls on Tuesday, and a third parent calls on Wednesday.  Or let it be 6 p.m., 6:40, and 7:30.  Parents who are asked if they are paying attention are often more likely to pay attention then when we just drop off our kids.