Key Concepts

Ordinary Days

Late this summer life got pretty chaotic.  Work had some upheavals.  I taught two classes, one of which I had never taught before. It felt impossible to find a rhythm to my days or my weeks.  I worked hard to not take it out on my family, even though they had to feel the wake of the challenges.

The holidays settled most things.  I had a chance to laugh a lot with the people I love, and I had good down time to think, and start to plan for how I hope 2011 will look.

When planning things, I usually try to start with the goal in mind.  This video isn't necessarily the goal, but it keeps the perspective.  Why are we doing what we are doing?  It's really about the ordinary days.

Maybe this video is a good way to start the year.  We can talk about the challenges later.

(If you don't see it below, Click here)

  

 

 

Parenting That Works

 For a long time in my classes I have been talking about the successes related to authoritative parenting.  Authoritative parents, according to respected researcher Diana Baumrind, combine high warmth and high engagement/accountability to stay connected to their teens.  

Baumrind's research shows that kids who grow up in homes with authoritative parents are much more likely to succeed personally, professionally, and academically.  Having either warmth or engagement without the other is not enough balance for kids.  They need both.  A new study from BYU finds this related to teens and heavy drinking.  While teens may experiment with alcohol, teens with warm, engaged parents are much less likely to experiment with or participate in heavy drinking.  Check it out!  Click Here.

For more discussion on the parenting styles that work, check out this earlier discussion.

What's Your Parenting Style?

A lot of college students I teach are interested in Parenting Styles.  Some want to know what it was that helped their parents do a good job -- others want to avoid doing anything like their parents did.  Every semester I read at least one research paper about parenting styles.

Diana Baumrind conducted the early research regarding parenting styles and her findings have been replicated fairly consistently.  Here's some of what she and subsequent researchers have found:

Parenting success seems to rely on focussing in two areas -- Warmth and Discipline.  Parents who are high in both of these areas tend to raise the most well-adjusted children.

Parents who are mainly focussed on Discipline (and are low in warmth) tend to focus on discipline and self-control to insure children's behavior. They tend to have children who are successful in school and who seem to avoid high risk behavior.  Unfortunately, these kids rank lower in happiness and self-confidence and they tend to react poorly to frustration.  

Parents who are mainly focussed on Warmth with little discipline or structure (often fearing that they will limit a child's potential) tend to raise children who think well of themselves and are confident even past a realistic assesssment of their abilities.  These are kids who are not able to regulate emotions and, as a result, don't tend to develop good peer relationships.  These children also don't tend to persist in difficult tasks and do not respond well to authority in the school or work setting.

Parents who regulate their parenting relationships with a balance of Warmth and Discipline tend to raise children who are more self-confident, develop strong peer relationships, and regulate emotions well.  These kids tend to be able to tolerate frustration and report consistently higher levels of happiness.  They experience success because they receive appropriate assistance and structure throughout their development.  These parents engage in interactive relationships.  They negotiate rules as kids demonstrate more responsibility and include their children in discussions to better understand the topics and issues of the lives the kids face. This helps their children be better prepared to negotiate the things that life throws their way.

Needless to say, there is no magic formula, and certain categories of kids (inner-city urban youth in particular) respond better to other parenting styles.  Still, this information serves as a good overall guideline.

You can gain a sense of your own Parenting Styles as they relate to teenagers' behavior by clicking here. 

  

 

 

Does it go without saying? -- Part 2 How to Say It.

After the class where my student shared the information about her rape (click here) I came home and I had a rare face-to-face conversation with my 13-year-old son.  With his father sitting nearby, I was very serious as I told him about this tragic story, and I said to him, "I know it probably goes without saying, but I want you to know and understand that we are here for you and there is nothing you can do that changes how your dad and I feel about you.  We will always love you and we are here to help and support you, no matter what happens."  

"You're right," he said, a little uncomfortable, "it goes without saying."

I don't believe what he said, although I know he thinks he believes it.  The kids we talk to take unimaginable risks with no idea what the consequences will be.  When serious consequences happen, they are often afraid to tell parents for fear of parents' disappointment and/or the consequences.

So how do we tell them that we are both the parent supporter and and the parent enforcer?

• Use stories to make your point. 
• Model the compassion that you will show in the future, if something bad comes up. 
• Remind your kids of your role.  You are the parent(s), the only ones they have. If you act as their friend, you sometimes won't tell them the truth, for fear that they might not like you.  As their parent, you will act with their best interest at heart. 
• Share the dilemma that you experience.  --  
  •  "I want to support you, but I can't say that if you break our rules, there will be no consequences.  I can tell you that the consequences are greater when one bad decision is followed by others. Lying or keeping secrets can have effects you will never imagine.  Talk to us/me if anything happens that hurts you or others. We'll help you figure out your next steps."  
• Repeat as needed.

At some point later (but don't wait too long) you can talk about the rules and the consequences.  That's not a conversation to have now.  

Does it go without saying? -- Part 1

One of my students was raped at age 15 after drinking too much.  Her story is a cautionary tale.  She was going out with a boy she was wanting to impress.  He took her to a party and she tried to keep up with his drinking.  After he passed out, the host took advantage and raped her in another room.  She kept this secret to herself for many years.  Her first admission came much later, and her parents still don't know.  

You can guess why her parents don't know.  Most often, our teens fear our reactions when they have something serious to tell us.  If it is as a result of an unwise choice on their part, they fear a black and white response. (After all, this is how they most often judge one another.) They are afraid of our disappointment, or our outrage.  It is difficult for teens to imagine that we would have a compassionate response when, in fact, our greatest fear may have come true.  They fear our "I told you so!" remark or facial reaction.  They feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Have you told your children that even if things go wrong, you love and support them? Are you sure you have said this specifically, or do you think that, of course they know this.  Is there anything that will change your love for your child?  Tell the truth!  Our kids need us to be explicit. This is a perfect topic for a short drive or an after-dinner talk.  It has to come without a lecture, and it probably has to be repeated about once a year.  (You know how quickly they forget!)

More about how to talk about this in an upcoming blog. 

By the way.  Beach Week is coming up for some of your high school students.  If your child is already going, contact me, we have a booklet that includes planning information.  For more information about talking about Beach Week click here.  

Don't Help!!

Okay, it sounds counterintuitive, but often when our kids are talking about their problems they are not seeking solutions.  Just like many of us, "troubles talk" may be just a way of trying to sort out the problem, not asking for help.  In fact one of the best ways to get teenagers to shut down is to start trying to solve their problems.  

It's a classic scenario, your teenager starts to open up, you try to help by offering solutions.  The next thing that happens startles everyone -- "Did I ask for your help?"  "You just don't understand!"  your child storms off, and now you feel misunderstood.  Suddenly what had the potential to bring you closer has left you both with hurt feelings.

So what is really going on?  Lots of times when teenagers talk to us about their problems, they want to be understood.  At the same time, they want their new found autonomy to be respected.  Sometimes they are wanting a  sounding board, and a safe place to try to figure things out.

How can you tell when they want to talk and when they want a solution?  You can't always, but there are some ways to try to find out.

First -- Express empathy.  Let them know that you understand how they feel.  "That Stinks!"  "Yuck!" or "Ouch!" (or your own version) can indicate that you know how they feel.

Next-- Let them keep talking.  Don't jump in with ideas or thoughts about the situation.  You can encourage more conversation with "What happened next?" or "What did you think then?"

After that -- If they start doing it, let them talk out possible solutions and encourage them to consider the options of each thing they mention.  You can encourage them to think out loud about what the consequences of different choices might be.

Finally -- If the conversation offers the opportunity you may want to say something like "I'm not sure what would best help you -- would you like some suggestions, or is it best if I keep listening?"  When they have the choice, they may want to hear what you think.

For more information about supporting teenagers during stressful times click here.

 

 

Several Tid-Bits

I've added a page related to Inhalants.  This information is appropriate for all, particularly important to Middle School Parents.  This is something every parent of teens should know about.  The information is from the Virginia Inhalant Abuse Prevention Coalition.

I'm adding a page titled "Where's Kate?" that will list the sites and topics where I will be speaking.  I have several different presentations for parents and teachers coming up in the Washington, DC area, and I thought I'd let readers know, if you are interested in a live discussion.

Jay Mathews from the Washington Post started an on-line chat about college drinking that some families with older teens may be interested in.  The UVA program that he mentions is in Arlington on March 30th.  If you are interested in more information, feel free to contact me.  To see what others are saying about college drinking and to see a few useful links click here.

On that note, parents and teens are starting college visits and HS seniors are making decisions about which colleges they will attend. One of the reasons parents give when allowing their high school students to drink is that this will help dissuade them from risky drinking behaviors in college.  The research doesn't support this.  See what motivates college drinking in this fact sheet related to college drinking.

Not a Bullet List -- Part 2

Last week I started to talk about how we actually talk to kids about postponing alcohol use, and waiting until their brains, bodies, and personalities are really ready to handle responsible drinking.  Here's the an expanded version of the second part of my e-mail to the mom I was corresponding with.

. . .

We don't talk about the legal issues for a variety of reasons.  First, teens have a hypocrisy meter that will catch us too often.  For example, I tend to drive the car too fast.  The kids see that, and will turn it around if we talk about the idea that drinking is illegal.  We run into it even with our own adult family members (aunts, uncles, and grandparents) who scoff at the legal issue. Also, if we behaved illegally ourselves in High School, the risk, no matter what we want to say, is looking hypocritical.  

In our programs we focus on the health risks, and explain parental indiscretion related to having little to no science about this in the 70's and 80's.  I sometimes talk about it with regard to my parents starting smoking before the Surgeon General's warning.  My parents wouldn't let me smoke because they knew the risks.  They let me drink because they didn't know the risks.

We talk about the risks of future addiction, we talk about the risks of not knowing how to be yourself, if you need alcohol to socialize.  We talk about the fact that most kids going to college keep the social patterns they established in High School.  We explain that knowing how to socialize without alcohol now, makes it easier to do that for the rest of their lives.

Another important point is that many kids actually do postpone using alcohol through high school.  The problem is that no one arrives at school on Monday morning and says  "Man, I stayed wickedly sober this weekend, and did I have a blast!!"  The stories are about the drinking, and it begins to feel like drinking is the only option for a social life.  Still, almost half of all high school students actually haven't been drinking in the last month (but when they do, it is rarely "responsibly.")  We need to encourage our kids to explore exciting options that don't include alcohol and to seek out friends who are interested in those adventures.

Not a Bullet List -- Part 1

Recently I had an e-mail exchange with a mom who had hosted a Living Room Chat for friends of hers interested in helping their younger teens negotiate healthy choices in adolescence.  I had heard through the grapevine that the chat had gone well.

"One of the things the parents wanted," this mom told me, "was a bullet list of points they can make to the kids regarding alcohol use: legal, emotional, social etc."

My response wasn't really a bullet list, but perhaps some useful points.  Here is an expanded discussion that I shared with her.

When we go into schools to talk to kids what they tell us they want are "true stories." There are many teen alcohol stories in the media, including deaths from drinking in the area.  We have plenty of personal stories in our own lives that we can also share.  Drinking and driving is only one aspect of the risks of teenaged drinking.  I talk about the risks of hooking up, and the risks of alcohol poisoning.  I talk about kids who have died because their friends let them sleep it off.  I talk about athletes who are unable to practice or play because of hangovers.  I talk about boys who are arrested for rape, and girls who feel raped after alcohol and sex.  I talk about how all kinds of accidents happen, even when you are not in a car.  We talk about adults we know who have not been as successful as they might have been because they are alcohol dependent -- a major risk associated with teenaged drinking.  Using any news stories, or just what you hear through the grapevine are good ways to start.

We don't talk about legal issues.  That doesn't mean we don't talk about arrests.  We talk about the party (mentioned in a previous blog) where 75 students were arrested.  We talk about the costs of lawyers and the loss of parents' trust.  We talk about having to report arrests on college and job applications.

Feel free to use the stories you read in this blog.  They are here to help make our point clearly. And the kids tell us, that it's what they remember.  If you need more reinforcement, check out this article in the Washington Post.

. . .  Next week  I'll explain why we resist the legal argument.  I'll talk more about how we talk to kids about the importance of postponing using alcohol.  

Code Words

"Do you have a code word?" my son was asked by a buddy in Health Class.  When he nodded his friend grinned and said "I do, too."

Schools are talking to kids about code words -- so have you and your teen established a code word?  If you haven't you should.

Code words are the way in which our kids make everything their parents' fault.  And we let them do it. Code words signal to us that our child wants to get out of a situation that is uncomfortable.  And when we receive the code we move into our Meanest Mom or Dastardly Dad mode.  Here's how Code Words work.

You and your teens talk about some situations that you know they can find themselves in.  Our example was a shoplifting experience, totally fabricated, and certainly something our son didn't anticipate. Alcohol at parties is another good example.  At the time, we used the word "Grandma".  If he called me and said the word Grandma I knew it was time for me to get mean on the phone (cell phones are easily overheard) and insist that I would be picking him up in the next ten minutes.  "No ifs, ands, or buts, young man!  I'm coming to get you!"

When I do this, he saves face, and gets himself out of an uncomfortable situation. He can resist all he needs to, I get to be the mean one, and since they all know that I'm the strict one anyway, it comes as no surprise.

My sister updated our Code system.  She and her son worked out a text message alert.  We have since added it to our repertoire.  I am on his phone list as Mom as well as with my first initial.  He can text me either way, send the code, and I will call him with some sort of emergency to get him home.

If you didn't already know, there are e-mail codes between kids for Parents Over Shoulder (POS or 9) and the like. Use a code to help teens do the right thing.  It just might be something they brag about.