Key Concepts

Talking About -- Michael Phelps

Talk about "Teachable Moments."  A London newspaper recently published a picture of Michael Phelps (Olympic gold medal swimmer) taking a hit off of a bong.  He made a tacit acknowledgment that it is, indeed, him in the picture.

Newspaper columnists have taken all sorts of different positions on this issue.  Some, like Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post, pointed out the precariousness of the life of an elite athlete, while poking baby boomer fun and the idea that a 23 y.o. smoking pot should be such a big deal.  Michael Wilbon of the Post and ESPN strongly disagrees with Jenkins' assumptions and futher makes the point that if you are going accept $100 Million to be a role model, you better be a good role model.

ESPN is definitely talking about it and that's what my teenager is seeing and hearing.  The debate about whether or not smoking pot recreationally after intense training for the Olympics should be an issue is at the heart of the discussions.  "I'm not condoning it," many commentators have said, "but . . ."  These are the kinds of things my sports fan kids are hearing.

Teens in classrooms around the country are asking -- "What's the big deal -- everyone does it?"

So how do we talk about it?

Actually Michael Phelps, has had some of the most useful commentary, although he is doing it through press releases and short interviews.  Michael Phelps is acknowledging the real embarrassment that he caused himself and his family.  Phelps' mother is a middle school principal.  This young man who felt his mother's support can't help but feel her embarrassment.

These are the things we can bring to the table.  We don't need to debate whether it is any big deal that he smoked pot, it can make us seem out of touch.  What we want to talk about is the fact that there are real consequences for decisions that not only break the law, but reduce him in terms of his reputation.  Phelps has let people down.  People who believed in him, people who trusted him now realize that he is not the man he wanted them to believe he was.  His mother must now face the students at her school, while explaining that she wants them to never try drugs.

So we ask our kids -- 

"What are the risks if you are using marijuana and get caught?  

Is it worth losing the trust of your parents?  

Is it worth the price of a lawyer?  

Is it worth the risks associated with your future and college?"  

Feel free to share your own feelings about Michael Phelps or even your own struggles about why this is an issue.  For me, I'm disappointed in Michael Phelps and he is not my son.  I can only imagine how I would feel if he was.  Still I have mixed feelings about criminalizing marijuana, and that doesn't mean I'm not fully aware of the risks.  

There are medical risks.  Marijuana is now genetically engineered so that its THC content is stronger than it was in the 70's and 80's.  We know now that marijuana inhibits both short and long term memory.  Marijuana abuse is the number one cause for drug treatment for teens in this country. 

We can talk about medical risks, but teens respond better to reputation and relationship discussions.  Don't spend a lot of time hammering home points.  Listen to what your teen has to say, and share your thoughts.  Get smart by reading up a little if you don't know enough.

When we talk about these things, while still stating our clear expectations that teens should not use, our children see that we are aware of their own internal struggles.  We support kids when we insist on consequences.  It gives them protection from outside forces.

Make sure that your "Teachable Moment" is respectful, but take advantage of it short and sweet.  At the dinner table, driving to practice, while cleaning the kitchen.  Don't let the opportunity pass.

The Teen's Brain -- and novel experiences

At the beginning of seventh grade, my son wanted to go to the mall to hang out with friends. By February that activity had become "Boorrrrring!" Sound familiar?

We now know that there is a reason that things that were recently exciting or interesting become boring so quickly. Developing teenaged brains require a great deal of novel stimulation to set up the neural pathways that will eventually serve them well in adulthood. These brains which find something so new today, will find it boring or immature probably by tomorrow. Then the search begins anew for something novel.

Recent research is showing us amazing new information about the Teenager's Brain. For a long time, we believed that teenaged brains -- almost the size of adult brains -- were fully formed, except for their lack of experience. New MRI technology tells us differently. Teens' brains are not like adult brains, they are experiencing substantial change that will not be complete until they are 25.

This explains a lot. We keep feeling as though, if we explain things clearly enough, our kids will get it. One woman who sits on a committee with me said it perfectly, "We parents keep thinking that the kids have our heads on their shoulders."

They don't. The cerebellum which is the physical center of the brain develops early on. It requires lots of physical stimulation. In the meantime, the prefrontal cortex, which controls reason and judgment, is the last part of the brain to fully develop. This is why we see kids making risky choices throughout adolescence and even into college.

The adolescent brain also craves novel experiences much more than the adult brain does. It is why new things that don't offer a lot of neural stimulation become boring quickly. As we all know, hanging out at the mall can become boring pretty fast.

Alcohol and drugs seem to stimulate the neural centers of the brain in ways that continue to feel novel. Unfortunately, they also seem to change the actual development of neural pathways in ways that can create permanent changes, including increasing the likelihood of addictions in the future.

For a much better, yet quick explanation of the Teen's Brain click on this link for the video "Why Do They Act This Way -- A Parent's Guide to the Teen Brain"

Unsupervised Parties

Teens want to have a good time. Parents want teens to have a good time. Teens want parents out of the picture. Does this make for a good time? Unsupervised parties for teens put kids at risk for a whole host of problems. 

Risk 1 -- Alcohol 

While a well supervised party does not guarantee that no alcohol will be served, active adult supervision makes it much less likely. Teens determined to drink at parties will have to do so discreetly. They will be unable to act out, and they are less likely to stay at parties where alcohol is not the focus. Teens don't drink for the flavor. They consistently report that they drink to get drunk. They underestimate the risks related to drunkenness. Vomiting, blacking out, and passing out are all symptoms of alcohol poisoning. Teens believe that because alcohol is legal to adults, that it can't be all that bad. Parents and teens both need to understand that overdosing on alcohol can lead to injury and death. 

Risk 2 -- Injury 

Teens' brains are naturally wired to seek out novel situations. (More on this in a future post.) When there is no adult supervision, teens tend to take on risks without anticipating the consequences. They do this even when there is adult supervision. Teens creativity is boundless, as is their ability to figure out the most unusual stunt to try out. Unfortunately, when adults are not around, teens will push the envelope in ways that can be life threatening. Alcohol increases this risk substantially. 

Risk 3 -- Sex 

Mix teenager hormones, alcohol, and no adult supervision and it surprises no one that unplanned sex follows closely. Here are some of the concerns. Boys uniformly report that using alcohol to get a girl to have sex is a good strategy. Boys and girls in our groups tend to believe that if a girl is drunk or high, she gives up her rights to withhold her consent to sex. In a national study 39% of high school boys said forcing sex is acceptable if the girl is stoned or drunk (1999 – Office of the Inspector General, DHHS.) Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by age 16 are intoxicated at the time. Unsupervised parties are much more likely to have teens having unplanned and unprotected sex than parties where parents are actively supervising. 

Risk 4 -- Arrests 

Unsupervised parties are much more likely to get out of hand. They overflow with noise and "guests". Neighbors don't tend to tolerate this very easily. Instead of knocking on the door and asking teens to turn it down, they use police to break up the activities. Police assess the activities and make decisions about arrests. Once a teen is arrested, lawyers must be hired. No matter what the outcome, job applications and some college applications ask about arrests, not convictions.

Risk 5 -- Inhalants and Drugs 

Teens trust grown-ups. It may not look like that in our day-to-day, but fundamentally, they believe we would not allow things in our house that are dangerous to them. They watch us play with them using helium to make Mickey Mouse voices. They can't imagine risks related to sniffing aerosols and other household items. They don't think twice about chugging cough medicine. They don't understand that sniffing and chugging can have some life threatening consequences. It's a quick, easy high, and kids are tempted when they haven't been taught otherwise. Other drugs, legal and illegal are easily shared at unsupervised parties. If you haven't learned about ecstasy and other newer drugs, get smart about these at theantidrug.com.

What's A Parent To Do? Talk to your kids about your rules about unsupervised parties. Create a community of communication around the parents of your kids' friends. You don't have to be the only one calling to confirm that parties are being supervised, you just might organize the calls. But don't let being the only one stop you. College students report that this kind of parental "interference" is ultimately (not necessarily immediately) viewed as a loving act. 

Don't bend on this. Offer your home as a place for teens to congregate if the "only option" is to attend an unsupervised party. Establish consequences if you learn after the fact that your child has attended such a party. Kids who know what the consequences are make their decisions based on the risks. They know if their parents won't do anything, and make their choices accordingly. If they know that the risk is substantial if you find out, they are more likely to make other plans. Here's to Involved Parents!

Tips for Supervising Parties