Key Concepts

Don't Help!!

Okay, it sounds counterintuitive, but often when our kids are talking about their problems they are not seeking solutions.  Just like many of us, "troubles talk" may be just a way of trying to sort out the problem, not asking for help.  In fact one of the best ways to get teenagers to shut down is to start trying to solve their problems.  

It's a classic scenario, your teenager starts to open up, you try to help by offering solutions.  The next thing that happens startles everyone -- "Did I ask for your help?"  "You just don't understand!"  your child storms off, and now you feel misunderstood.  Suddenly what had the potential to bring you closer has left you both with hurt feelings.

So what is really going on?  Lots of times when teenagers talk to us about their problems, they want to be understood.  At the same time, they want their new found autonomy to be respected.  Sometimes they are wanting a  sounding board, and a safe place to try to figure things out.

How can you tell when they want to talk and when they want a solution?  You can't always, but there are some ways to try to find out.

First -- Express empathy.  Let them know that you understand how they feel.  "That Stinks!"  "Yuck!" or "Ouch!" (or your own version) can indicate that you know how they feel.

Next-- Let them keep talking.  Don't jump in with ideas or thoughts about the situation.  You can encourage more conversation with "What happened next?" or "What did you think then?"

After that -- If they start doing it, let them talk out possible solutions and encourage them to consider the options of each thing they mention.  You can encourage them to think out loud about what the consequences of different choices might be.

Finally -- If the conversation offers the opportunity you may want to say something like "I'm not sure what would best help you -- would you like some suggestions, or is it best if I keep listening?"  When they have the choice, they may want to hear what you think.

For more information about supporting teenagers during stressful times click here.

 

 

Talking About -- Michael Phelps

Talk about "Teachable Moments."  A London newspaper recently published a picture of Michael Phelps (Olympic gold medal swimmer) taking a hit off of a bong.  He made a tacit acknowledgment that it is, indeed, him in the picture.

Newspaper columnists have taken all sorts of different positions on this issue.  Some, like Sally Jenkins of the Washington Post, pointed out the precariousness of the life of an elite athlete, while poking baby boomer fun and the idea that a 23 y.o. smoking pot should be such a big deal.  Michael Wilbon of the Post and ESPN strongly disagrees with Jenkins' assumptions and futher makes the point that if you are going accept $100 Million to be a role model, you better be a good role model.

ESPN is definitely talking about it and that's what my teenager is seeing and hearing.  The debate about whether or not smoking pot recreationally after intense training for the Olympics should be an issue is at the heart of the discussions.  "I'm not condoning it," many commentators have said, "but . . ."  These are the kinds of things my sports fan kids are hearing.

Teens in classrooms around the country are asking -- "What's the big deal -- everyone does it?"

So how do we talk about it?

Actually Michael Phelps, has had some of the most useful commentary, although he is doing it through press releases and short interviews.  Michael Phelps is acknowledging the real embarrassment that he caused himself and his family.  Phelps' mother is a middle school principal.  This young man who felt his mother's support can't help but feel her embarrassment.

These are the things we can bring to the table.  We don't need to debate whether it is any big deal that he smoked pot, it can make us seem out of touch.  What we want to talk about is the fact that there are real consequences for decisions that not only break the law, but reduce him in terms of his reputation.  Phelps has let people down.  People who believed in him, people who trusted him now realize that he is not the man he wanted them to believe he was.  His mother must now face the students at her school, while explaining that she wants them to never try drugs.

So we ask our kids -- 

"What are the risks if you are using marijuana and get caught?  

Is it worth losing the trust of your parents?  

Is it worth the price of a lawyer?  

Is it worth the risks associated with your future and college?"  

Feel free to share your own feelings about Michael Phelps or even your own struggles about why this is an issue.  For me, I'm disappointed in Michael Phelps and he is not my son.  I can only imagine how I would feel if he was.  Still I have mixed feelings about criminalizing marijuana, and that doesn't mean I'm not fully aware of the risks.  

There are medical risks.  Marijuana is now genetically engineered so that its THC content is stronger than it was in the 70's and 80's.  We know now that marijuana inhibits both short and long term memory.  Marijuana abuse is the number one cause for drug treatment for teens in this country. 

We can talk about medical risks, but teens respond better to reputation and relationship discussions.  Don't spend a lot of time hammering home points.  Listen to what your teen has to say, and share your thoughts.  Get smart by reading up a little if you don't know enough.

When we talk about these things, while still stating our clear expectations that teens should not use, our children see that we are aware of their own internal struggles.  We support kids when we insist on consequences.  It gives them protection from outside forces.

Make sure that your "Teachable Moment" is respectful, but take advantage of it short and sweet.  At the dinner table, driving to practice, while cleaning the kitchen.  Don't let the opportunity pass.

Shock and Awe

At a school recently I met with a class of 9th graders who heard my lecture about postponing using alcohol.  When we got into small discussions, some of these kids, both boys and girls, were shocked when they realized that I was suggesting that they postpone using alcohol throughout high school.  They seemed stunned to believe that this was a realistic consideration, and, quite frankly, felt that I was completely out of touch for suggesting it.  Apparently they thought I meant only 9th and possibly 10th grade.

Part of the reason these kids were surprised is that their own parents are telling them that since they know that all teens drink, they want their kids to do it responsibly.  That is if their parents are talking about this at all.

Our own kids may have some of these same misconceptions.  If we don't talk to them regularly, they likely think that what we said last year, we meant for last year.  This is why it is important to keep the dialogue open and frequent.  A year ago was a different age for teens.  There is a big difference between 15 and 16 to them, and to us.