Key Concepts

Ordinary Days

Late this summer life got pretty chaotic.  Work had some upheavals.  I taught two classes, one of which I had never taught before. It felt impossible to find a rhythm to my days or my weeks.  I worked hard to not take it out on my family, even though they had to feel the wake of the challenges.

The holidays settled most things.  I had a chance to laugh a lot with the people I love, and I had good down time to think, and start to plan for how I hope 2011 will look.

When planning things, I usually try to start with the goal in mind.  This video isn't necessarily the goal, but it keeps the perspective.  Why are we doing what we are doing?  It's really about the ordinary days.

Maybe this video is a good way to start the year.  We can talk about the challenges later.

(If you don't see it below, Click here)

  

 

 

Parenting That Works

 For a long time in my classes I have been talking about the successes related to authoritative parenting.  Authoritative parents, according to respected researcher Diana Baumrind, combine high warmth and high engagement/accountability to stay connected to their teens.  

Baumrind's research shows that kids who grow up in homes with authoritative parents are much more likely to succeed personally, professionally, and academically.  Having either warmth or engagement without the other is not enough balance for kids.  They need both.  A new study from BYU finds this related to teens and heavy drinking.  While teens may experiment with alcohol, teens with warm, engaged parents are much less likely to experiment with or participate in heavy drinking.  Check it out!  Click Here.

For more discussion on the parenting styles that work, check out this earlier discussion.

What Girls Don't Tell Us

Girls' & Self Image

Seven in ten girls believe they are not good enough or do not measure up in some way, including their looks, performance in school, and relationships with family members and friends.

75% of girls with low self-esteem reported engaging in negative activities such as disordered eating, cutting, bullying, smoking or drinking when feeling badly about themselves.

57% of all girls have a mother who criticizes her own looks.  Research indicates that girls follow the patterns of their mothers.  If Mom is self-critical, her daughters learn to be, too.

Only 2% of all women in an international study believe themselves to be beautiful.

A research project commissioned by the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty looked at girls' attitudes about themselves.  Check out the site and see what girls are saying.  Click the "films" on the site (very brief) and consider sharing the messages with someone you love.  I particularly like the one called "Amy."

The Dove Campaign has developed a variety of tools and projects for girls and women to re-imagine what feminine beauty is all about.  Find out what the girls you love think about themselves.  Find ways to help them know the beauty you see.  They don't need to be fixed, they need to find their own beauty and see themselves as you see them.

One more site.  There's a new site coming up for parenting teen girls.  Check it out.  If it's not up yet, it will be soon.  Let me know what you think of it.  

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Shock and Awe

At a school recently I met with a class of 9th graders who heard my lecture about postponing using alcohol.  When we got into small discussions, some of these kids, both boys and girls, were shocked when they realized that I was suggesting that they postpone using alcohol throughout high school.  They seemed stunned to believe that this was a realistic consideration, and, quite frankly, felt that I was completely out of touch for suggesting it.  Apparently they thought I meant only 9th and possibly 10th grade.

Part of the reason these kids were surprised is that their own parents are telling them that since they know that all teens drink, they want their kids to do it responsibly.  That is if their parents are talking about this at all.

Our own kids may have some of these same misconceptions.  If we don't talk to them regularly, they likely think that what we said last year, we meant for last year.  This is why it is important to keep the dialogue open and frequent.  A year ago was a different age for teens.  There is a big difference between 15 and 16 to them, and to us.  

 

The European Way

Many of us would like to use the "European Model" for teaching our children to use alcohol safely and wisely.  We have an image (or overseas experience) that suggests that the Europeans, who allow teens to drink at younger ages, sit and enjoy a leisurely glass of wine while gathering with family or friends.  Unfortunately, the reality is very different.

In 2003 the Department of Justice published a comparison of youth drinking rates in Europe as compared to the US.  Specifically looking at the incidence of heavy drinking, US teens come in second to last in terms of prevalence of heavy drinking.  Only Turkey has lower rates of heavy drinking, and Turkey is a Muslim country (Islam bans drinking alcohol.)

Last year Germany  began considering raising their drinking age.  Now France is considering curbing binge drinking by raising their drinking age from 16 to 18.  You can hear a report on the BBC News show The World.

The Science is clear.  Teenaged drinking is dangerous, and introducing teens to drinking is more likely to lead to abuse.  Click on the links and see that Europe is starting to pay attention, too.

Not Ready

A mom called to talk about her son and an alcohol related incident at school.  We talked about what kinds of education/treatment considerations might be useful for her son.  This mom had an interesting thought that sounded like a good negotiation with her child.

"With this incident," she suggested "we're not sure he's ready to have a social life in college that isn't about alcohol."  They are seriously considering keeping him home for his first year of college.

Does this sound extreme?  It might for many of us, but sometimes irresponsible decisions like drinking are the ways in which our kids wave the red flag that they are not ready for the responsibilities that attending college away from home include.

As an instructor at a local university for the past 15 years, I have watched some students totally waste their parents' money through the first couple of years of college by drinking and socializing to the exclusion of schoolwork.   In one of my classes  I have three students, in their mid-twenties who are in an undergraduate class.  One of these bright, talented young women has explained that she wasted her first couple of years in school, and had to take time off until she was ready.  That's a very expensive way to learn a lesson.

So consider, as you are talking to your child calmly about making healthy choices, mentioning that one consequence of risky choices might include staying home for the first year or two of college, until you are sure that your student is ready to make independent choices.

How to Supervise Teens' Parties

At one of the schools I work with, a parent group put out a letter to all parents warning about teen parties.  The gist of the letter warned parents that unsupervised parties could result in legal liability for the parents as well as unexpected dangers for the teens. 

One of the signatories of the letter got a phone call the day the letter went out.  The calling parent was supposed to be hosting the Senior Skip Day party coming up soon.  The parents were at a loss. Their son had already presented his rules.  No parents were to come downstairs to the party room.  No other parents were to know of the location of the party.  The kids would do what they wanted and stay for as long as they wanted.  Parents were not to embarrass the teen in any way, and should probably just leave the house.

This parent asked for guidance about what to do.  Not surprisingly, the first suggestion was to cancel the party.

Navigating the world of teen parties is tricky.  Many of us want our children and their friends to feel comfortable in our homes.  We also know that these kids don't want any adults hanging around.  After being the authority to our kids for a long time, we find ourselves off balance with how much to project ourselves into their lives.  Still we want to do the right thing.

Here are some tips:

 

• Discuss the party well in advance with the party's host(s) -- your child (and possibly friends.)   

• Explain the elements of successful parties -- food, music, fun things to do, and comfortable surroundings.
•  Offer to help with the preparation of whatever you each agree to, but hold the hosts responsible for whatever it is that they can contribute (pre-party cleaning, decorations, cooking, shopping, clean-up etc.) 
•  Discuss ways in which you will be able to actively supervise without being intrusive.
•  Remind the hosts of the rules, and remind them that they will have to address anything that does not go according to plan.  If they don't, you will.
•  Limit the number of guests.  Open parties open you up to too much legal liability, and a higher likelihood that the police will be called.
•  Set a start and end time for the party and send out invitations.  (E-vite is just fine.)   
• Consider  what you and your kids will do about crashers

• On the day of the party  
  •  Set up the party space with comfortable lighting.  Overhead florescents will surely be turned off almost as soon as the party starts.  Outfit all of the corners with lamps that you have available.  Use lower wattage bulbs, or dim to cozy levels.
  •  Use small bowls for snacks.  Set up chilled drinks in the kitchen, where you are more likely to be hanging out.  If you have a refrigerator in or near the party room, keep small amounts down there and refresh with chilled drinks you have in the kitchen. You are looking for opportunities to go downstairs with a legitimate purpose.
  •  Set up a drop off space for pocketbooks, backpacks, and coats.  Those items should be on the same floor where you are and kids should have to pass you in order to get to them.  Don't let bags go to the party room.  If you do, it won't take long for your soft drinks to become mixers.
  •  Invite other parents to join you in a separate part of the house for a quiet gathering.  Trade off who will pop into the party room, and do so at unequal intervals.  Kids are quick at figuring out the routine.
  •  Bring any of your concerns to the attention of the hosts.  Ascertain whether action needs to be taken, and give your kids first shot at how to handle it.  Step in when necessary.
  •  Greet everyone at the door, and say good-bye to them when they leave.  This will feel weird to some of the kids, but it is important that teens not get the sense of invisibility to adults.  We acknowledge their presence in our lives, as we want them to acknowledge ours in theirs.

For More Tips click here

Remember there are no guarantees that nothing illegal will be happening during the party.  But it goes a long way toward acting responsibly and encouraging your children to do the same.

 

To Tell the Truth . . .

“Didn’t you ever . . .?” The dreaded question. Many of us have something in our past that we would rather leave in the past. When our kids were young they often delighted in stories about Mommy and Daddy when they were children. We tell them about the days before Internet and VCRs. We tell them funny stories about Grandma and Grandpa. But before too long, we wonder – can we tell our children the truth about who we were as teenagers?

A recent Washington Post Magazine cover story explored “Maternal Indiscretions.” Liza Mundy nicely discusses the dilemma that parents face when their past has the opportunity to catch up with them. Funny, interesting, and sometimes eyebrow raising anecdotes flavor the discussion of whether or not parents should be completely honest with their children about their own experiences during adolescence.

This topic comes up at dinner parties and parent education evenings. When I am talking to parents in workshops I explain that there really are two schools of thought -- tell the truth or don’t. But all of this is more nuanced than that. There are a few factors to consider when faced with this question. It’s better to have thought out what you want to share and to have discussed it with your parent partner before you have to respond to your teen. Too many parents will avoid talking to their children for fear of facing the questions. Others respond like a deer in the headlights, leaping as far and fast as they can in the other direction. So what is a parent to do? Here are a few things to consider:

1- Why is your child asking?
Some kids want to get permission to experiment with riskier behavior. If my parents did it, the thinking goes, than it really can’t be that bad. Others are wanting to find out whether or not their parents understand the challenges that they are facing. Could my mom actually know what it's like to be at a party where everyone drinks? Still others are looking for a hypocritical chink in their parent’s armor. You may know the answer without asking, but if you don’t, feel free to ask. One way to do this is the direct approach

“You know, I want to answer your question, but first, I guess I have to ask why you ask?” Often kids are hoping for an opportunity to open up about what they are thinking. Give them time to talk, while you take the time to think. Reassure them that you will respond as soon as you know what the question really is.

2- What is she ready to hear?
In the same way that “Where did I come from?” is a question that might mean anything from “Where was I born?” to “How did I get in and out of your stomach,” you need to think about what your child is ready to hear. Frequently younger teens aren’t experienced enough to understand the subtlety of a complete answer. Older teens can often learn from the mistakes of others and are interested to hear why your own experience informs your family rules today.

3- Can he handle the truth?
This can be about your child or about your relationship. Many parents believe that it is important to be good role models. We want our children to admire us. Our own past behavior does not always support that. Many parents believe that they should always be honest no matter what. The question you need to answer here is -- Can your child handle the idea that, as a teen, you weren’t as wise as you are now? Is there time and room in the conversation to explain what you have learned and why you want them to do it differently?

4- Are you uncomfortable with not being completely honest?
Not telling the truth is not always the same as lying. It’s a fine line to walk, but throughout their lives parents allow children to believe things that aren’t true. Santa Claus is one example, but even trying to lead kids away from a desired gift already purchased, or not sharing a grandparent's secret are ways we aren’t completely honest. If you choose to not tell the truth in order to protect your child (not yourself) it’s best to expect that at some point you will be telling the truth. At a time and place when your child is ready to hear it, and can understand, you commit yourself to telling the truth, as much as you can.

5- Can you and your partner commit to a consistent answer? Or at least only answer for yourself?
Not only did my husband and I have different experiences in adolescence, we have different approaches to our children now. We are committed to answer our children’s questions in ways that are best for them and not necessarily best for us. In that way, we need to protect one another’s information, and only answer for ourselves. It allows children the opportunity to hear the messages that are most important to the relationship we establish with them individually.

6- Do you have anything to tell?
Of course, not all of us had "exciting", thrill seeking teenaged lives. Plenty of us studied and joined clubs, and behaved in ways that might have felt downright goody-goody. That doesn’t mean that you can’t appreciate the opportunities that present themselves to your teen. Avoid being preachy and extolling your own virtues. Be prepared with observations you had about the decisions you made to abstain, refrain, or postpone risky behaviors. Use stories of friends or family to illustrate the risks you are aware of.

Knowing what you are going to say, or at least having an idea of what you want to share, leaves you ready when the questions get asked. By avoiding being evasive, because you are prepared, your children feel the safety of reaching out to you and knowing you will respond with their best interests at heart.

Unsupervised Parties

Teens want to have a good time. Parents want teens to have a good time. Teens want parents out of the picture. Does this make for a good time? Unsupervised parties for teens put kids at risk for a whole host of problems. 

Risk 1 -- Alcohol 

While a well supervised party does not guarantee that no alcohol will be served, active adult supervision makes it much less likely. Teens determined to drink at parties will have to do so discreetly. They will be unable to act out, and they are less likely to stay at parties where alcohol is not the focus. Teens don't drink for the flavor. They consistently report that they drink to get drunk. They underestimate the risks related to drunkenness. Vomiting, blacking out, and passing out are all symptoms of alcohol poisoning. Teens believe that because alcohol is legal to adults, that it can't be all that bad. Parents and teens both need to understand that overdosing on alcohol can lead to injury and death. 

Risk 2 -- Injury 

Teens' brains are naturally wired to seek out novel situations. (More on this in a future post.) When there is no adult supervision, teens tend to take on risks without anticipating the consequences. They do this even when there is adult supervision. Teens creativity is boundless, as is their ability to figure out the most unusual stunt to try out. Unfortunately, when adults are not around, teens will push the envelope in ways that can be life threatening. Alcohol increases this risk substantially. 

Risk 3 -- Sex 

Mix teenager hormones, alcohol, and no adult supervision and it surprises no one that unplanned sex follows closely. Here are some of the concerns. Boys uniformly report that using alcohol to get a girl to have sex is a good strategy. Boys and girls in our groups tend to believe that if a girl is drunk or high, she gives up her rights to withhold her consent to sex. In a national study 39% of high school boys said forcing sex is acceptable if the girl is stoned or drunk (1999 – Office of the Inspector General, DHHS.) Half of the girls who have sexual intercourse by age 16 are intoxicated at the time. Unsupervised parties are much more likely to have teens having unplanned and unprotected sex than parties where parents are actively supervising. 

Risk 4 -- Arrests 

Unsupervised parties are much more likely to get out of hand. They overflow with noise and "guests". Neighbors don't tend to tolerate this very easily. Instead of knocking on the door and asking teens to turn it down, they use police to break up the activities. Police assess the activities and make decisions about arrests. Once a teen is arrested, lawyers must be hired. No matter what the outcome, job applications and some college applications ask about arrests, not convictions.

Risk 5 -- Inhalants and Drugs 

Teens trust grown-ups. It may not look like that in our day-to-day, but fundamentally, they believe we would not allow things in our house that are dangerous to them. They watch us play with them using helium to make Mickey Mouse voices. They can't imagine risks related to sniffing aerosols and other household items. They don't think twice about chugging cough medicine. They don't understand that sniffing and chugging can have some life threatening consequences. It's a quick, easy high, and kids are tempted when they haven't been taught otherwise. Other drugs, legal and illegal are easily shared at unsupervised parties. If you haven't learned about ecstasy and other newer drugs, get smart about these at theantidrug.com.

What's A Parent To Do? Talk to your kids about your rules about unsupervised parties. Create a community of communication around the parents of your kids' friends. You don't have to be the only one calling to confirm that parties are being supervised, you just might organize the calls. But don't let being the only one stop you. College students report that this kind of parental "interference" is ultimately (not necessarily immediately) viewed as a loving act. 

Don't bend on this. Offer your home as a place for teens to congregate if the "only option" is to attend an unsupervised party. Establish consequences if you learn after the fact that your child has attended such a party. Kids who know what the consequences are make their decisions based on the risks. They know if their parents won't do anything, and make their choices accordingly. If they know that the risk is substantial if you find out, they are more likely to make other plans. Here's to Involved Parents!

Tips for Supervising Parties

Beach Week

Beach Week is a time at the end of the school year when high school students want to get away from all of the pressures of finals, grades and graduation commitments. More often than not, this is an unchaperoned event. For some it is the last chance to be with friends before everyone heads in many different directions. For others it is the opportunity to act anonymously using alcohol, drugs, and sex to celebrate the end of school.

One study looked at the behaviors of senior girls at beach week. The outcomes were compelling. Eighty-two percent of the girls who had sex during that week did so while they were drunk. Seventy-five percent of the girls reported daily drunkenness. Sixty-four percent reported that they drank eight or more beers/wine during a typical beach week party. Fifteen percent of respondents (9/59) stated that medical attention was necessary for themselves or a close friend because of injuries or medical problems while they were drunk or high during beach week.

Natalie Holloway was on a Beach Week vacation when she was abducted. Part of the appeal of Aruba is its 18 drinking age.

Another tragedy was the North Carolina college student beach house fire that killed seven. While we await the final report, many suspect that the victims had been drinking heavily and could not escape the fire after a night of partying.

There are a lot of considerations to think about when considering Beach Week.
-Is this a child who will take risks when not supervised?
-Is this a child who has modeled responsibility even when others have behaved irresponsibly?
-Do the activities of Beach Week coincide with your family values?
-Have the kids planning the trip considered the variety of high risk outcomes associated with Beach Week?

Check out some tips for talking to teens about Beach Week. Make sure you are comfortable and confident in your family's decision.